<AD> Crash Bandicoot Speed Run Marathon Brought To You by Red Bull Energy Chewing Tobacco <AD>
<<FONT PENDING JEROME69> BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, FANCY LETTERING LIKE AN UPPER BACK TATTOO>
TITLE> Have you Joined the Gamer Paste Revolution? UnlimitedTerry's Gamer Paste combines Caffeine, Taurine, Protein, Pills And High Octane Robotussin. Gamer Paste Was Created For the Gamer, By The Gamer! <TITLe>
Hello. My name is Terry Boat, but you, the gamer, may refer to me by my gamertag, UnlimitedTerry. I feel like I've been playing under that tag for so long that it is not only fifty percent of my name but all of it. I, like you, have been playing video games since I was a baby. I remember the long nights of Super Mario snuck in between babysitter chain smoking. I remember getting suspended from school for drawing things I saw in Doom. The first titty I ever saw was in Duke Nukem. To this very day, I still say 'shake it baby' when I see naked women. I can't help it. I'm a gamer.
<CONTENT: TITTY PICTURE WITH GAMER PASTE WATERMARK>
After I went to college and got a degree in science, I wondered what my next step would be. I always knew I wanted games to be a part of my life, but didn't know how. My finely honed reflexes and inquisitive, problem solving gamermind didn't translate to the world of business or of public service. I spent long nights toiling over the games, my life, and how I wanted them to intersect. I spent all my time hunched over my monitor, forgetting to eat, sleep, or function.
<CONTENT: STOCK PHOTO OF MAN DISTRAUGHT, EMPHASIZE GAMER DESPAIR?>
In seclusion I developed, tested, and perfected the Ultimate Gamer Paste. Gamer Paste is meant as a total food and water replacement that can be eaten extremely quickly between respawns. It goes down easy and digests quickly and completely reinvigorates your body with all the energies and fuel you'll need! I'm releasing three flavors, Burger, Corn, and Mega Corn, with many more to come, including Extreme Cumin and KC Masterpiece.
Gamer Paste does not require refrigeration, can sustain itself in any temperature, and never molds or spoils thanks to a complicated mix of chemicals and pure gamer willpower. Gamer Paste contains the same chemical given to fighter pilots that allows them to stay up and functioning for days, blasting our disgusting enemies out of the sky.
And Gamer Paste isn't just for gamers. As a complete food replacement, it can also be utilized by those in high pressure fields with little to no downtime, including: doctors, nurses, firemen, hermits, Army Men, boneheads, the Secret Service, people without dignity and people without a sense of culture.
Gamer Paste can be bought on The Silk Road, Sharper Image, and Wherever Research Chemicals Are Sold. Gamer Paste will be available in limited release until FDA regulation of amphetamines is lifted.
<AD: AXEL FROM TWISTED METAL SEX TAPE ... FAKE OR REAL?<AD>
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.