Fwd: Illuminati Membership - May 2020 Update

Esteemed members of The Illuminati, reward yourselves with back pats of the highest honor, for our COVID-19 plans are coming to fruition exactly as we hoped! Soon, the world will be at our clawtips! The lambs are staying inside their shelters, fearful that they may be responsible for the deaths of elders should they step foot out their doorways! The fools! Little do they know the depths we went toward hoodwinking them so. What little knowledge they had when we concocted the perfect hoax, swiftly and slithery we inserted a falsified "Coronavirus" in the minds of the world populace! While these sheep foolishly bought into our trickery, we seized the opportunity to release a deathly pathogen upon the world, hand-crafted in our subterranean laboratories! Now these cattle grovel in their homes, while we shall storm the newly abandoned beaches, shedding our fleshy disguises, to finally bask our scales freely in the warm beach sun! This one laughs jovially as they type this very string!

But alas, there is one problem we did not foresee, one that troubles this one so. Those dastardly White American Patriots! No matter how hard we try, they always seem to be one step ahead of us. Their minds are impervious to our tactics, and somehow they always find the hidden messages and penises we put in our media! But how do they keep giving us the slip? Their deviant genius! They spread their infectious ideas via an elaborate underground railroad of public message boards, memes, and church fliers. Slipping just under our mighty media grasp. Some of them even know the truth of our planet's lack of curvature! This one shivers to think what they might do with that forbidden knowledge. This one doesn't know about the rest of you, but this one is not about to show off their scaly, sexually arousing beach body to a couple of crimson capped cretins! We must stop these free-thinkers at all costs!

The scenic beaches of Texas, soon ours for the taking!
Now this one knows what you're thinking - let's just summon our global elite military force upon their kind. There's only one problem with that - they have guns!!! Our attack helicopters and stealth jets won't stand a chance against Gus and his loaded Remington as he awaits inside his impenetrable chain link fortress. Additionally, these foul "open carry" laws also prevent our stealthy assault teams from flanking them in the open, for these people have the quick-draw speed of a wild west sheriff! No, I'm afraid a direct attack is simply not an option. Their big man guns are scary and frightening, and make this one whimper like a small feminine creature. We must be wise where they are strong. So strong. We must use THE MEDIA.

Yes, yes, our secret weapon shall be THE MEDIA. To halt their deviant voices, we shall order the media to film everything they do and give them a platform. Constantly. Make sure every news outlet in the country is reporting on them, letting them speak their dangerous thoughts for the world to see. It is then we shall strike! We shall then call them terrible names such as "racist" and "asshole", to tarnish their good christian image! These falsehoods will hurt all the more as their many friends of color look upon them with newfound shame, and they shall be cast from society, forced back into their impenetrable chain link fortresses, exactly where we want them!

It is there, we shall come down upon them and take away their only salvation. How shall we take their guns (and also bibles)? With physical force, of course. We shall utilize our attack helicopters and our stealth jets and our assault teams, and lay down the new laws of the land. No Remington can stand a chance against our elite military, after all. Once they are armless or dead, they shall finally fall to our whims, staying indoors like the good sheep that they are, forcibly subjected to our cartoons that turn their children homosexual. The perfect plan!

It is here that we shall move into phase V-9, where the big manly God-fearing men, stripped of their guns and heterosexual spawn, shall be inducted into submission by our VACCINES, which will contain state-of-the-art microchips that were but recently perfected by our very own Bill Gates, known globally for his machines' perfect record of operating functionality. The microchip will grab hold of their blood, and ride it like Splash Mountain all the way into their brain holes, where it will turn their "critical Sexual swimwear to which I call the dibs.thinking" mind switches to the "off" mode! This one once again finds themselves chortling with vigor at the thought.

It is then, when the children of the world are extremely homosexual, and the adults of the world are turned to submissive servants who only go outside to get groceries while WE CONTROL THE GROCERIES, that we finally shall have our day in the sun. This one doesn't know about the rest of you, but this one has been pale scaled as oblivion for the past few centuries, and this UV lamp just does not do it for them anymore. This has obtained a pair of swim shorts with maximum sex appeal (that really accentuate the cloaca, blink blink), so let us finally crush the mammalian menace so we can hit those waves together.

Hail Satan!

– Illuminati Head Master Leader Man (@slicknicklives)

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