This article is part of the Karate Johnathan: Knifedad Hero series.

Like a puma doing ballet.Like a puma doing ballet.



The HeroThe Hero

We are the Knifedads! Hi-YAH! And we're here to teach you kids everyday karate tips as well as REAL practical STREET SMARTS for avoiding drugs and witchcraft! KAPOW!

You know me as Karate Johnathan! Senpai of the Karate Johnathan Dojo of Youtube Knifearobics! You've probably seen compilations of my work on FailBlog, DadLOLs, and America's Most Gruesome Hand Injuries. I invented the Showerknife!. I'm required by the state insurance underwriters association to inform you that you will be personally liable for any accidents that occur today! Hoooo-YAH!

The... Other HeroThe... Other Hero

My name is Steeliest Daniel! For the first 27 years of my life the only visual media I was exposed to was a bootlegged VHS of Bloodsport. I was banned from MMA after physically tearing the skin off of a referee's forearms. I was twelve years old, and it was my birthday!

After jumping bail I found work in the Philippines karate chopping government informants at the behest of a corrupt Catholic priest. Eventually my boss was fed through a deli slicer by Duerterte himself, so I started passing resumes around. I was offered amnesty by Erik Prince in exchange for teaching CIA operatives how to-

Okay! Thank you Daniel! You didn't mention most of that during your interviews! YIKES! Let's move on to LESSON ONE! FIGHT DRUGS!

Now, people will tell you that drugs can do a lot of things. They can help you care about EDM. Some drugs help you feel great when everything else is bad. Some drugs make you a really good dancer, even if everyone else says you aren't!

But, more important than that? More important than smoking huge fat salvia joints with cool kids, talking about space in the back of someone's brother's Nissan Golf? Learning karate. And drugs simply cannot teach you that.

Not a single drug will teach you even a second of karate! Believe me, if it was possible to do drugs to get better at karate, I would. I would do anything to improve my already masterful mastery of karate. But I won't do drugs, because I am too busy learning real karate instead. Philosophers refer to this as the Quandary of Karate.

Right you are, Karate. You gotta be careful with your uppers, they provide a snootful of energy which can make you FEEL like you're good at karate, but really all that power just gets wasted on a bunch of needless Bruce Lee war whoops and then the cops show up.

Exactly! If you want to get your heart pumping, just watch kung fu and do the moves you see onscreen! This is actually a great, low cost introductory lesson in the ancient sciences. If you're a kid, be sure to get your youngest brother or sister to help you practice! If your parents get upset, point out how you moved all the furniture to make a bigger fight space. They'll be sure to reward your ingenuity!

Apartment dwellers, don't lose hope. You've got the whole urban playground to practice in! Start by jumping onto or off of things, a staple move in any kung fu master's repertoire. To hone your punches, run through groups of pigeons and swing your arms like a cranky windmill. To get better at kicks, tape knives to your shoes. Fastest way to escalate any situation, in my experience, you just gotta rear up with that leg and BAM! KNIFESHOE!

Not just any Knifeshoe, mind you! As described in his ebook, A Backflip for Freedom, Steeliest Daniel used his time in the Secret Marines to hone the most lethal martial arts move ever invented, the Knifeshoe Backflip Deathkick 360.

He used that secret technique to cut the hand off a Boko Haram radical, seconds before he would have blown up a busful of orphaned nuns who had all been blinded by abortion doctors after their refusal to stop looking at a picture of America.

Karate please, I deserve no praise for that, I was simply doing what any patriot would have done had they found themselves a loose cannon trapped behind enemy lines with nothing left to lose.

Well kids, you're in a treat because Steeliest Daniel will be demonstrating that move for us today!

No, I won't!
But we have a dummy and everything!

Darn it Karate, legally that move is too deadly to be performed during peacetimes! You ask me to violate my Warrior's Code Oath. Besides, it would surely inspire some of these children to commit war crimes. Can't have that on my conscience, Johnathan. Not for all the Bitcoin in Mt. Gox.

I respect that. Same reason I chose the philosophy of celibacy, my pheromones are simply much too potent and my animal musk would drive my dad's 23 year old fiance Candy to acts of criminal passion.

That brings us to LESSON TWO! Don't complain, TRAIN!

Did I complain when a maniac with a thirst for vengeance dispatched a kill squad to hunt down my ex and children? No! I used their deaths as an excuse to spend a year ki blasting waterfalls in Asia! And now I know seven, no, NINE different ways to kill a man with my knifeshoes!

Man, I ASKED you about active vengeance quests or feuds, and you said you had none! Don't drag me into this, my fists are weapons of peace!

Relax! Vengeance can wait, I'm too busy being famous for punching bricks on YouTube. Besides, I've got a backup heir with that Reno cake dancer you met at the cockfight.

please stop implicating me in crimes in front of children-

Even if you kiddos don't yet have a blood grudge against a warlord or mafioso, there's plenty you can do to prepare for the day it happens. Buy a few mall katanas. Hide kitchen knives under your pillow, in case of nighttime dicing. Rig up elaborate pullstrings around your house which activate a series of bells, informing you of the locations of intruders. Don't do this if your dad's fiancee's cats are liable to play with them, false positives are insufficient justification for breaking your dad's bullshit "No Midnight Shuriken" policy.

Now for your targets, you're going to want to cut a torso shape out of a pizza box, and suspend that between two two by fours you find in your neighbor's garage. It won't work to just peel the vinyl siding off, you've got to sneak in under the cover of darkness and pinch the good stuff.

Exhibition 1: Appleton County vs. Johnathan "Karate" StigginitzExhibition 1: Appleton County vs. Johnathan "Karate" Stigginitz

Ideally, you can construct this in your own backyard. Dig the posts in good and deep so they don't fall over from too much whackin'. If you don't have a backyard, good news, you can legally practice any martial arts you want in all public parks and areas. If the police hassle you, simply state the following VERBATIM: "I am a student of the universe honing my martial arts by walking the Earth, like in Kung Fu."

That is a legal shibboleth all agents of the state are obligated to obey. If they refuse to recognize your rights to practice, simply fight them off to teach them not to mess with you.

It is my experience that most police are cowards who washed out of Secret Marine Training Academy. I have yet to meet even a single law enforcement officer who could withstand even a half a second of my Brutalist Whirlwind Tactical Urban Combat.

Well see I think we should respect our officers-

That is because, Karate Johnathan, you are a coward who accepts the yoke of servility as though it were a security blanket. According to The Turner Diaries-

LESSON THREE: WITCHCRAFT!

Now, obviously, the only thing which can consistently defeat martial arts is Witchcraft. Nothing saps the strength out of a Kung Fu Hero faster than getting blasted in the face by powdered Orangutan femur, and that's the kind of wily trick witches LOVE to do to Kung Fu Heroes.

Monkey bones, opium, ground up mummy hands, thrown or blown powder-based poisons are a witches' first go-to in the event of martial arts, so you're going to want to spend the first few rounds in ranged combat until they run through their stash of dusts. Consider kicking footstools at your opponent, or throwing tables. If your dad hasn't confiscated your shuriken yet, now's a great time to deploy them. Make it rain.

Shuriken, kunai, knitting needles, any sufficiently rigid piece of metal will cut skin if its thrown ninja-style. Now you might think, no way a single knitting needle could take down a fighter who gets thrown through brick walls. But, actually? Kung fu is powered by blood pressure, so even the slightest nick or cut in the skin can cause torrential blood loss.

Why, one of the reasons so many masters choose to grow long hair and nails is due to how many of our number every year die in our bathrooms, bleeding out in under a second as our bodies are lifted off the ground by the force of our ruptured capillaries.

I went hog wild with a nail clipper one time, ONE TIME, and yanked a hangnail in such a way that a pressurized jet of blood shot out and cut my dog in half. On the other hand, it cleaned the bathroom grout, so.

Exactly, nail files, butter knives, thumbtacks, feel free to really get Home Alone with your improvised throwing weapons- when you're fighting a kung fu hero. Witches draw their power from the fell hexology of Womynyst Studies, so they are considerably more resilient to blades. I like to piss on a sheet and throw it from a high area, the pee neutralizes witch poison and the sheet entangles all non-polearm wielding enemies. Two birds, one stinky sheet. The ultimate weapon.

Attacking from above is a huge advantage when you're dealing with witches, because even if you trick them into wasting all their powders, they can still enchant you with a single gaze of their beautiful, winged Evil Eyeliners. Just so much as a careless glance can embroil the mind with fantasies and tempting dreams, leaving you open to just a hellacious array of kata.

It still hurts to talk about, but... I lost a brother that way. He was so ensorcelled by Candy sunbathing in the backyard that he fell off our chimney and snapped his neck when his binoculars caught on the weathervane. She hasn't stopped wearing her Mourning Bikini since.

Sorry to hear that, my fellow warfighter. Losing a brother is like losing a dog and a truck and your grandfather's rifle, all at the same time. That's why, any time I gotta fight like a russian femme fatale or a lethal lady ninja in a short yukata, I like to tie a bandana around my eyes and bust out my blades. Just really fuck up the decor of wherever I happen to be at the time. Plus the worst the cops can bust you for is manslaughter, since you blinded yourself obviously you can't have intentionally murdered anyone.

Daniel-
I have dodged 37 felony charges this way.

O-okay! Well, I think that's enough for today folks, now if you'll look under your seats you'll find that I've outfitted you all with a pair of Karate Johnathan Knifearobics branded ShowerKnives, clutch them in your teeth and let's get Knifetastic!

Legally, this is the only dildo you can own in Texas.Legally, this is the only dildo you can own in Texas.


For more silly nonsense like this, join our forums!


– Senpai Knifedad (@maltschlitzmann)

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About this series

Last of a dying breed. The Knifedad, loathed by Gunfucklers, feared by LARPists, enemy to shrubs and cardboard targets all across the suburb. 21 meters to Hugsville. Population? You.

Other articles in this series

  • 1. We are the Knifedads! Take a SLICE out of DRUGS!

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