Dear Jamba Juice Jambonaut,
First off, great job with the Steel-Cut Oatmeal launch. While the product failed, it taught us something: America doesn't give a shit about oatmeal, regardless of the metal it was cut with.
That's a lesson we'll be taking into our "Springapalooza" campaign, where we'll be introducing the public to "Jamba Whirl'ns," our new froyo-esque fruit-adjacent gelatin pods. Here's a list of simple answers to common customer questions:
What's a "Whirl'n?"
The name "Whirl'n" sounds weird.
Can I just order a "frozen yogurt?"
But I don't want to say "Whirl'n."
You keep saying that, that they're "nutritious and delicious." What's so nutritious about them?
That's not very nutritious.
Hey! I'm just pointing out that they're not as nutritious as you lead people to believe!
That doesn't make sense!
That's it, I don't want your dumb "Whirl'n." You can go to hell.
Fine, Jesus!! Here's my money, I'll have a Jazzy Java Chocolate Whirl'n!
And you've made your first sale! Congratulations. Although we'd prefer to sell our snacks without threat of physical violence, there's really no other way anyone would try something that looks like rainbow colored shit. So get out there and terrify America.
Lookin' forward to talking to you guys in a few months when our "Summer Wonderland" initiative launches! We're gonna try and sell people hats. Who wouldn't want a hat that says "Jamba Juice" on it? Answer: everyone, so get ready to hurt some people.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
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