We, as a society, are now responsible for five Jurassic Park movies. That's a lot of characters finding themselves surprisingly surprised (and killed) by dinosaurs who have escaped captivity. I recently rewatched the entire series, and you know what? Some of those deaths were far more cruel and graphic than I remembered.

For my money, these were the most brutal ways a human met their end on screen.

  • Shot to death with a gun by a drifter, who had been hired by a jealous Brachiosaurus
  • Slipped on a toy left on the stairs by a neglectful Pentaceratops, broke neck
  • Stabbed with a broken bottle in a bar fight with an Aeolosaurus
  • Pulled into an enormous industrial machine on the job, having been hired as an independent contractor by a Sinornithosaurus and provided with zero safety training
  • Died on the operating table during a routine appendectomy performed by an apologetic Tyrannosaurus Rex
  • Fatally poisoned by eating a fugu fish that had been improperly prepared by a new chef, an Apatosaurus
  • Died during autoerotic asphyxiation after an Iguanodon enthusiastically suggested the process
  • Trampled to death, by other humans, who were crowding to get the autograph of a very cool Triceratops as it stepped out of a limo and lowered its shades
  • Burned alive in a house fire caused by faulty Christmas tree lights sold by a Deinonychus
  • Dared by an Allosaurus to balance on an upper deck handrail during a major league baseball game, plummeted eighty feet
  • Choked to death on a potato chip while a Diplodocus struggled to remember the Heimlich maneuver
  • Turned on a gas stove, got distracted by a phone call from a Palaeoscincus telemarketer, forgot to turn the gas off and took a nap
  • Slipped in a bathtub that had been overly cleaned and polished by a Stegosaurus maid
  • Approached a lost Hypacrosaurus' car to give directions, hit by bus
  • Set adrift and lost to the void during a routine spacewalk due to miscalculated backpack thruster instructions by a Velociraptor at Mission Control
  • Bent over to pick up a quarter dropped by a Pterodactyl, got sucked into the engine of a taxiing jumbo jet
  • Struck by lightning while adjusting a rooftop antenna so a Sauropelta houseguest could catch Jeopardy
  • Fell out of a roller coaster designed by a Ceratosaurus

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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