Unbeknownst to many, Mitt Romney has selected one of the fittest men in Washington as his vice president. Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan is a Randian devotee, and one of his mostly deeply-held beliefs is that any man can become a ripply Adonis, so long as he is free to purchase P90X.

"Not every man is strong, but every man can be strong through hard work," explains Ryan. "So long as government is not allowed to encroach on our Second Amendment liberties, you maintain the right to bare arms, legs and an insanely chiseled torso. Get your pump on and sell as many tickets as you want to the gun show."

Ryan's belief in self-motivated fitness informs his tax policy to give breaks to the best body fat percentages while canceling expensive government fitness programs like public parks, jungle gyms and sidewalks that might assist those with less than ideal percentages. Put on your headband, turn on your favorite explosive workout playlist and chug a P90X meal replacement shake; it's time to get that body wrecked the Paul Ryan way.

Warm Up - Motivate

  • How can you not get pumped?Share a John Lott blog post on Facebook.
  • Get the adrenaline flowing by reading about the cost of food subsidies. We might as well be feeding raccoons with these school lunch programs. They'll just keep coming back. Why are their parents allowed to buy carbs with food stamps? Do these people know how many pink slime employees lost their jobs over bogus blogger boycotts? Arrrrgh! I feel so pumped!
  • Do intensive stretches while listening to Kudlow on DVR. Money never sleeps!
  • Down a P90X shake while running in place in your driveway.

Core Synergistics and Ab Ripper - Annihilate Loose Calories

  • It's a simple system. All you have to do is bootstrap it.Running crunches, uphill tumbling, inclined situps, eggman destroyer X, rip them abs, viable body sculpting with core syngergistic energy unleashment + pumping audio book Ice and Fire listening = lay waste to stored fat and glisten limbs for run.
  • Begin run. Visualize shining city on the hill because it is easily defended from shiftless bloato wrecks, carb-diners, milk chuggers and gay-married pizza princes. Surrounded by the land of unwanted workers and broken pleasure robots, only our guns and our incredible lithe bodies will protect us from corrosive morality.
  • This new type of steel will allow us to build even faster trains and even better bodies. Steel bodies. Steel hard.
  • Visualize a wall at the end of your run with "government" written on that wall. Kool-Aid Man that fucker.

Kenpo X Moves - Become the Dragon

  • I am a turkey. That is a joke based on perspective.Daenerys will appreciate these moves. Flowing combat attacks delivered to enemies of freedom. Kill a beast to celebrate strength; turkey, deer or single mother with a preexisting condition.
  • No estate tax. No capital gains tax. Only pure, dynamic physicality. Why should money be taxed twice? It shouldn't be. (Flurry of strikes too fast to be perceived).
  • Work yourself into a good cardio zone, lots of sweating, before you unleash your full force. Be entropy itself. In a closed tax system, entropy increases inevitably, taxes can only get lower, but we can remove loopholes like mortgage and family tax credits without breaking the Grover principle.
  • Your body is a weapon of freedom. Your enemies eat the double-dough crust of decadence and suck extra carbs from the teet of the government.
  • Practice saying Reince Priebus. RIND-TSSS PRE-BUS.
  • Yell WOLVERINES! as your muscles give out and you collapse in a sweaty pile on floor of home gym.
  • Repeat two times daily.

After 12-18 months your body fat should be around 6%. Congratulations, you are not only a chiseled stallion of the Midwest, you have also saved America. Please welcome The Next President of the United States of America. (You).

When he isn't trashing bread bags and getting ripply like a riverbed, Zack Parsons writes weird horror novels, like Liminal States. The San Francisco Chronicle says it, "delivers scenes full of dark meaning and crazy intensity" and Tor.com said it includes western, noir and sci-fi "blended together in Zack Parsons' brilliant novel, Liminal States, and it's super, man." Buy a copy today.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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