A sack arrived at our door the other day. We didn't ask for it. We didn't pay for it. And nobody paid us for it. We certainly are not paid to review a food service. But there it was: HelloFresh. A note attached said, "If you are a mom with a hectic schedule or a bachelor without a wife to cook for you, you can still make a home cooked meal. HelloFresh. Get Cooking."

I brought the sack inside. It was heavy and warm and smelled like the inside of a car when a burger dropped between the seats hours earlier and nobody bothered to find the burger because it wasn't their car. Inside the bag was a gnarled potato, a bulging tub of creme fraiche, and dozens of crumbled mouse skeletons. At the bottom of the bag was a six pound wad of ground pork. Possibly pork.

There was a recipe card with the following instructions:

PLACE THE BEATEN FLESH INTO THE PAN

GIVE THE FIBER STONE TO MEAT

A WHOOP AND A WHIRL

GOOD FRIEND IS BREWING WAIT THE MINUTES

THE CREAM FOR THE GOOD FRIEND OPEN UP AND SEE

WHEN HE COMES FORTH DO NOT ALARM WITH A BELL

THIS IS YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER

EMBRACE THE RED WORM


This definitely was not your conventional home cooking plan recipe. We tried Blue Apron and the others, but the recipes were too complex and took too long to make. The meal plan from HelloFresh was refreshingly different, offering us a chance to nurture and reconstitute life from the ground beef. We're not sure how it worked, but after placing the potato into the bowl of meat a miracle occurred. After several minutes of silence, there was a loud screech that tore at our soles. It was as if something had reached into our very DNA and was climbing hungrily up the ladders and into our brains.

After a few minutes of screeching, a glorious red worm burrowed out of the meat, writhing and hissing and flapping its flaps at us (don't know what to call them, sort of like a banana peel made of meat). It was so beautiful. We embraced it at once and knew it loved us in a similar way.


The most amazing thing about the child we brought into this world with the help of HelloFresh is how quickly it grew. It ate everything it could find, snuffling and excreting all over our house, climbing in and out of vents, and always retreating to the furnace in the basement. Some of us resisted, but the spore chimneys that blossomed in the yard began to calm our concerns. The Red Worm does not hurt us, the Red Worm protects us and ensures us. It is our friend and family. It is our honor to nurture the Red Worm.

Thank you, HelloFresh.

WE LOVE THE RED WORM!!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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