Growing up, I heard a lot of advice about what my career should be. My dad wanted me to be an electrical engineer, like him. My mom wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer. My guidance counselor told me I had a knack for math and I should consider a career in accounting. But I didn't feel any particular interest in those fields. I knew that as engineer or an accountant I would be bored out of my mind. Even worse, if I became a doctor all I would be thinking about was the nurses and their slender, easily-compressable necks. In other words: the same unfulfilling grind called "work" that crushes the spirits of millions of Americans ever day.

It wasn't until I was out of high school and in the work force, barely scraping by on minimum wage, that I discovered my calling: strangulating nurses along a 400-mile section of the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.

I always had big hands and a drive to see the light die in the eyes of a helpless nurse, I always loved the ocean, but I never imagined I could turn these loves into a career. It turns out America has two things in a seemingly unlimited supply: nurses and the desire to hear about murders on podcasts. I monetized doing the thing I love by starting the podcast My Favorite Nurse Kill and developing a rabid following of listeners who want the latest and most lurid details on the unsolved mystery of the Gulf Coast Nurse Strangler.

Who could this brutal killer be? Well I have some ideas about why he kills (the legal mutilation of circumcision) and how he chooses his victims (resemblance to his mother). To my faithful listeners it seems like I have inside sources; to my victims I would like to think I bring a sense of professionalism and dedication that a purely amateur strangler lacks.

Have I run into fans of the pod while doing my rounds as the strangler? It happens, but one can never get in the way of the other. Sorry nurses, no special treatment just for wearing a Stranglerinos tee. You can enter code STRANGLE at Leesa to get 10% off a Leesa mattress but I will still strangle you on that mattress and arrange your body to leave a message to police.

Sometimes, temporarily, your passion wanes and that is something you have to prepare for. Some days you might be sick or a great video game might come out like VR Strangler and you will want to stay in bed (offer code STRANGLE for 10% off) and take the day off. Those are the days where you have to tell yourself: the price of doing what I love is having an erratic income tied to crowd funding my podcast and also strangling nurses even when I'm feeling under the weather. That's the nature of the 21st century economy. Nurses don't take a day off. Podcast listeners don't take a day off. Get your butt out of bed and answer the call of the neck.

My advice to anyone else turning their passion into a career:

Establish a routine. I like to record my podcast in the morning around 6-7 AM so my strangling is fresh in my mind. The strangling I do between 2-4 AM. Always night shift, so I can get some breakfast on the way home, recharge, and do my recording.

Don't take trophies. You will want to take objects from the strangling; a scarf, a bracelet, a hair clip, etc. Don't do it. Choose something to be your trophy and then leave it, but talk about it on your podcast. That detail can really bring your description of the crime to life.

Taunt the police. If you want to generate a lot of buzz for your podcast a great way I have found is to taunt the police, preferably through the media. Anonymous letters or phone calls using a voice masking machine are probably the easiest. Think of this as building your brand and generating interest in your content.

It won't be easy, millennials, but if you find something you truly love and monetize it, well, you'll never work a day in your life.

– The Gulf Coast Nurse Strangler (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful