Congratulations! You've managed to find yourself living in one of America's few cities where owning a car isn't necessary. And while the incredible cost of living will negate any possible savings of a car-free lifestyle, consider the negligible benefit to the environment your true reward. But remember, traveling underground in a rickety metal tube full of farts carries its own specific code of conduct.

  • A careful observer may notice that most trains' doors stay open for roughly 30-45 seconds at every stop, giving passengers plenty of time to get on and off. But what if, for whatever reason, this reliable system changes without warning, leaving you waiting for up to eight minutes for the next train? However unlikely this scenario may be, your only option is to shove, punch, and kick your way into the car as fast as possible, with no regard for any human life other than your own. And if you're worried about a criminal record, don't worry: the inside of any train car can safely be considered the International Waters of the land.
  • Part of traveling by train or subway means giving up some of your private space-but it doesn't have to. By using a trick most commuters call "the sorcery of the railway," you can have an entire row of seats to yourself. Simply sit on the aisle seat, put your bag or purse on the seat next to yours, and refuse to make eye contact with anyone who tries to get your attention or notify you of their physical disability. It may seem like every surrounding passenger despises you, but in actuality, they're all just jealous you've come up with such a watertight plan to preserve your boundaries.
  • Most people occupy themselves with some sort of distraction on their commute, and most of the time, it's some sort of music. But why keep it to yourself? Crank that iPhone to max volume, put on your favorite jams, and instantly turn any train car into a party full of hot grooves and stern looks. You may only be able to make out the bassline and a few random words, but your surrounding seatmates will show the universal sign of thanks (a furrowed brow) for giving them the gift of song.
  • Most public transit trains do not contain bathrooms because of the cost of upkeep. So where do you release your waste? Just look at the floor between your legs, and you'll find the answer. Sure, it's technically illegal, but if you're worried about getting caught, you can always blame the telltale smell of urine and/or feces on the natural odor of any train station. And, contrary to popular belief, a fresh stream of hot urine will actually help cleanse the floor of any train car by removing old layers of caked-on urine with the natural disinfecting power of ammonia.
  • At times, you will find your ride interrupted by a troupe of wandering performers, who want nothing more than to entertain you and lighten your wallet of any pesky singles. Even if their act consists of nothing more than swinging off the safety bars while Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" plays on a boombox with one working speaker, be sure to make constant eye contact and personally thank each performer with both praise and money. Above all, send home the message that commuters like nothing more than sudden, loud performances featuring wildly flailing limbs while thinking about the many adventures the coming work day holds for them.

– The Train Whisperer

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