You have waited all summer but now it is the Time!
The Time to Grow! To Trend!
The Time to look Cool!

The Time to let your pimples bubble and swell under your beard like some acne Machu Picchu waiting to be discovered. To let the number two trend of the season be "violently itching your face."

This is Important!

It is the Time to discard the old you and embrace the future. From this point on, your new name is "He whose jowls look like a clogged shower drain." No longer will people talk about your hard work, your personality, your crippling anxiety. None of that is relevant. Your existence has no beginning or end, only the singular "the dude with that facial hair" and you will love it.

Wait until Social Media sees This!

The new you is better because of this Hair. You don't follow trend, you grow trend. From your face. You are trend. You are Cool. Remind people of new you. Put on a denim jacket and roleplay as a blue collar worker from the position of someone incapable of dealing with basic house maintenance.

Is this the year of the Fu Manchu? The Mutton Chop? The Middle School History Teacher? That is for you to tell everyone about at all times. U R in Control. Talk about this Hair. Make people look at it. Run your fingers through it, stroke it. Leave grease streaks across every surface you touch.


In: Beards, the beard on your face, beard growing tips, your new you with your beard, talking about your beard, steering conversations so that other people talk about your beard.

Out: Anything Not-Beard.

It is Time to Grow some greasy pubes on your face to prove your masculinity, to raise awareness, to show your individuality. You are a hero, a selfless savior, a hockey fan, a soldier against the normative restrictions of Big Razor. Women and children need not apply. They can never realize your power, your control. Never understand that the most powerful thing you've done in years will be this ironic Freddy Mercury mustache that looks like it went through the wash a few times too many.

It is the Time to reach your Full Potential!

Do not let your inability to grow facial hair stop you from growing facial hair. Get some grotesque chinstrap. Let your mole patches thicken. Consider any hair above your lip as a moustache. You do not lose points for wrong answers. Delusion will take over, allowing you to imagine people caring that half your face is covered. "No," they'll say. "Please do not deny us of your ill-defined cheekbones!"

Goodbye Summer Smoothface, Hello Glory.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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