You've probably seen a lot of articles comparing Donald Trump to everyone from Hitler to Caligula to L. Ron Hubbard. All very accurate and illuminating comparisons, but actually, Donald Trump is the flying chrome orb from the Phantasm movie franchise.
Look at all the things they have in common with each other:
|Commanded by elderly men who call everyone they dislike "Boy!"|
|History of chasing teenagers around and trying to burrow inside them|
|Is an actual orb|
|Two halberd-like blades and a drill emerge from them|
|Floats around mortuaries in mid-air looking for someone to murder|
|Can burrow into a human forehead making a high-pressure stream of blood shoot out|
|Extremely tiny and useless penis|
|No amount of secret rich guy triple Viagra can make the tiny, flaccid penis become erect|
|From another dimension that looks suspiciously like hell|
|Perfectly smooth surface, not even vestigial male genitalia are visible|
|Absolutely obliterated by John Oliver in an 8-minute video you must see||Uh, hell to the yeah!|
|Big supporter of Israel wants to move the embassy to Jerusalem|
|Probably will pick a bunch of evil-faced dwarfs to fill out the rest of the cabinet|
|Got Billy Bush fired in the process of being elected President of the USA|
|Not really feeling that Hamilton mix tape|
|Penis as useful as taking a marker and drawing the letter "U" onto the shell of a hard boiled egg|
|Will not allow all-gender bathrooms in the detention camps|
The evidence is inarguable. The next time you see a piece of shit hack journalist trying to make some sort of comparison between Donald Trump and some other politician or, god forbid, a movie character, you go ahead and tell them: "Actually, he is the Phantasm Orb." You can call them any name you like too.
It's all on the table now for 2017 onward.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.