1. Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet
Try to find a chair with all sorts of wings and protrusions that offer no support to any part of your body whatsoever. Something that only makes sense if you are taking hairpin turns at 200 miles per hour. Is it possible to buy a gaming chair with a steel rollcage (painted white or red, naturally)? Perhaps just a small one that lowers over your head?
2. Make sure you're playing the latest unfinished open world survival game
You know, the one where your character has meters that constantly go down as he or she trudges across an uninteresting map. The one with bad animations, where you pick up mundane objects, break things by whacking them for half an hour, then use a remarkably ugly menu to build something that temporarily makes your meters go up. The one where players can sort of awkwardly gesture at one another or fight. The one that just came out in Early Access this week. No, not that one. That came out last week. Not that one either, that's the other one that came out this week. I'm talking about the one with the wacky animals and the wood plank forts.
3. Spend at least half your stream silently doing the following:
4. When you do speak, stay on message
Never say anything genuinely funny or insightful. Instead, casually shout questionable words like "fag", "cunt", "rape", "bitch", and "hype".
Literally describe what you see on the game screen. "Oh look, this drawer has a box of nails in it." "I can craft... a chair. Okay." "Ha ha. That guy is dancing."
Thank everyone who sends in a donation after somehow noticing one of your three dozen Please Donate graphics. Even better, come up with a wacky way to thank everyone. Maybe have a siren, or a dance that you do every single time, because your stream is spontaneous and fun.
5. Be natural
Remember, the whole appeal of normal people streaming games is that they're relatable and off the cuff. They're casual and unstructured, unlike those professional outlets with their overproduced videos.
This is why the most popular people on Twitch are stilted to the point of nearly being robotic, plaster their brand all over everything, constantly filter their words in service of a carefully crafted persona, and constantly take part in blatantly gross deals with game makers and sponsors.
That's being natural, right?
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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