- Pinfalls have been changed from the standard 3 count to a far more dramatic 300 count. Several times per match, a pinned wrestler musters the strength to miraculously break free after the referee reaches 299.
- "Welcome to the Wrestlemania 34 pre-show! I'm Renee Young, and I'd like to kick off the year's most exciting event by asking you to join my panel of guests in a 45 minute nap." (Everyone on camera quietly lays their head on the elaborate desk)
- The entrance ramp has been extended. It now begins five miles outside the stadium, large stretches running through a treacherous swamp.
- All the biggest wrestling moves are performed in super slow motion, the wrestlers making drawn out "BOOSH" and "GUH" sound effects with their mouths.
- Five words: Three hour Kid Rock performance.
- After every punch/kick/move, a medical team halts the action to thoroughly inspect the wrestler on the receiving end and clear them for action.
- The event kicks off with Vince McMahon strutting to the ring and reading the entire End User License Agreement so the streaming and Pay-Per-View audience knows exactly what they're getting into.
- At the end of each match the victor raises their championship belt above their head on all four of the ring's turnbuckles. They continue to do this until things get uncomfortable and their theme music begins to repeat. This is the way things already play out in PPV events. In this year's Wrestlemania, the wrestlers are instructed to extend the celebration until the audience begins to weep, wordlessly moan, and claw at their faces.
- Five more words: Two hour Kid Rock encore.
- Every time one of the announcers says "Wrestlemania 34" they follow it with "the thirty fourth Wrestlemania, following Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania 2, Wrestlemania 3, Wrestlemania 4, Wrestlemania 5, Wrestlemania 6, Wrestlemania 7, Wrestlemania 8, Wrestlemania 9, Wrestlemania 10, Wrestlemania 11, Wrestlemania 12, Wrestlemania 13, Wrestlemania 14, Wrestlemania 15, Wrestlemania 16, Wrestlemania 17, Wrestlemania 18, Wrestlemania 19, Wrestlemania 20, Wrestlemania 21, Wrestlemania 22, Wrestlemania 23, Wrestlemania 24, Wrestlemania 25, Wrestlemania 26, Wrestlemania 27, Wrestlemania 28, Wrestlemania 29, Wrestlemania 30, Wrestlemania 31, Wrestlemania 32, and, of course, Wrestlemania 33."
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
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