In a few months we'll be playing a new Metal Gear Solid. Allow me to be the first to make this observation: These games are a little weird. They're also hugely innovative, and convoluted, and clever, and very stupid.
Over the years this series has rattled off so many plot twists at such a rapid pace that a map of the story would resemble the aftermath of a twisty straw explosion at the Fibonacci sequence poster factory. But even if your memory of the plot's subtleties has been blown out by the constant barrage of revelations, some moments from each game were so iconic that they can be recalled as perfectly as if you had just played them.
Metal Gear Solid
- Otacon relates a fifteen minute lecture on the stockpiling and imminent criminalization of astronaut ice cream, accompanied by haunting fmv footage from the Sega CD C&C Music Factory Make My Video game.
- The titular Metal Gear is introduced, a giant walking tank capable of eating far more ice cream than any single man.
- Solid Snake's brother is revealed to be the mysterious figure previously known only by the codename Other Hair.
- Snake does an anime backflip towards one of those big velcro bullseye targets that people stick to after dressing up in sumo costumes. Meryl and Campbell gasp, sure that he is about to die. Snake slyly grins as he sails through the air in slow motion, explaining that his tactical stealth armor is covered in nano-velcro.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
- Snake collects the fifth and final Sunshine Star fragment.
- Big Boss gets demoted to Bog Boss by Bigger Boss, though this move is met with big bahs and bigger boos from Big Boss's Big Bros.
- As the ancient prophecies foretell, Snake hits the game-winning three point shot from the half court line.
- In the thrilling climax, we discover that the genetic free will clone laserbrain was the reincarnated ghost of the industrial military complex all along!
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
- A magical cyborg ninja leaps over a phone book and sticks the landing perfectly. Then, as everyone in the room is stunned by the display, he cuts an apple in half with his beam sword, only taking three slashes to cut entirely through the fruit.
- In a small above-ground pool, a squirrel wearing tiny little water skiis is pulled behind a remote controlled speedboat.
- First instance of the now-infamous line that would be used multiple times throughout the series: "Gotta go fast!"
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
- A Chinook helicopter approaches, loaded with people. Snake takes out his tech goggles to zoom in for a closer look. At this point we are confronted with a shocking revelation. On board the helicopter is every person who ever died or appeared to die in a Metal Gear Solid game. Suddenly the helicopter dips to one side, its rotors on fire. It disappears from sight behind several large buildings. Several seconds later there is an explosion off camera. Damn. All those people are surely dead now. Tragic.
- An eighteen hour sequence in which Big Boss just stands there reading words out of a dictionary, and Solid Snake replies to each one by repeating it as a question.
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel
The same glaring flaws that weren't addressed in the second game, now with slightly worse movement and pointless oxygen management. 5/10
Sherlock Holmes: Crimes & Punishments
The closest a video game has come to making you feel like you're actually investigating a case, and the most fun I've had zooming in to stare at a video game person's neck. 9/10
If you go above the lowest difficulty setting this wonderful tour of a lovingly realized spaceship turns into a constant reminder that the people who made Total War are still not very good at AI. 8/10
Falling Skies: The Game
XCOM: The Unauthorized Pre-Alpha Version With Placeholder Art. 2/10
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor
I've never been so happy to be proven wrong. 8/10
The ideal car video game for people who don't particularly want anything out of their car video games. 5/10