Wellll hello there, podner! Are ya'll ready to see the doggonest dirtiest porno magazines that ever did ride the West duke it out? No? Well tough turnips, hombre! These horrible porno magazines are going to fight it out until only one is left standing.

Being an Internet writer, I often forget that an entire world exists out there full of glossy printed pages. Pornography has a rich history on the magazine racks of your seediest local convenience store, but sometimes you have to go looking to find the real dregs of porn that lurk in the dark corners of the world. To save you the trouble and money I have traveled to a nearby retailer of unsavory publications and purchased, in bulk, a number of their castoff copies of various magazines. They probably aren't supposed to sell these things after they gently run a knife over the cover to "destroy" them, but they do it anyway and it has spared me the expense of 8.95 per copy on some of the shittiest porno magazines you've seen.

Big Girls
Description: Big Girls is a magazine catering to the tastes of men who prefer American girls over all those crackling fagots from Europe. These ladies are juicy with a capital "F" and, if you look closely enough, you can almost see the blue fibers from their Wal*Mart vest clinging to their moist butt cracks. The photography is amateurish struggling to be taken as professional. Horrible lighting heightens the ominous sensation that you're looking at things best not seen in daylight.
Best Article Title: "Buttslamming Freaky Fatties Take Snake"
Defining Quote: "The house I grew up in was totally obsessed with sex!" the 5'6", 38D-37-43, 189lbs. jumbo-sized juicy-cooze asserts.
Most Depressing Image: Tragedy frozen eternally by the camera's unfeeling shutter. The girl is directionless, between sexualized poses, medically splayed and ugly like a deep sea specimen discolored by formaldehyde. Her vagina is not so much an aperture as it is a meaty tempest swirling betwixt her bloated thighs. The tongue is swollen, asphyxiating, the suggestion of a piercing or perhaps just a fly that has landed to scoop up a forgotten morsel or deposit its clutch of eggs. She gazes at nothing. Unattractive sexual aides await her attention. Perhaps one more pizza before we get to those. She probably smells like fry grease and despair.
Bonus Image: A bonus image to offset the anguish. This woman has the happiest body of any human. Her folds of fat mirror the mad smile on her face. She's horrid, but she doesn't care! Try and stop her, world!
Verdict: The perfect antidote for feelings of unmerited joy. Remind yourself that the world is a terrible place full of ugly beasts and pick up a copy of Big Girls!

Night Society

Description: Eastern Europe sends us an overdose of toned indistinct blondes to be prodded and, ultimately, ejaculated upon every year. Night Society collects a Ukrainian busload of these Czichs and compliments their white slavery blowjob techniques with a healthy seasoning of crazy moon language. Since most mid-tier American porno magazines use predominantly Eastern European talent these days this magazine seems redundant. Those of you hoping for some sort of vampire-related content, because of the title, can go ahead and feel disappointed now.
Best Article Title: "Radosny SEKS"
Defining Quote: Top Biust!
Most Depressing Image: Lovely Grace looks to be some sort of toothless infantiloid, startled by the click and flash of the kameraski taking her picture. Careful lads! She may mistake your hands for tubers and try to suck the juice from your fingers as she crushes every bone into paste. At least she remembered to wear her huge magenta diaper.
Verdict: A great find for collectors of photographic oddities, Night Society is exceptional only for the sheer number of cumshots captured mid-flight. It is an otherwise boring parade of identical women with high cheekbones and implants getting railed by overly-hairy men with last names ending in "ov."

Nugget

Description: I always remember seeing Nugget behind the counter at the convenience store near where I used to work and wondering what exactly it was. I always just assumed it was another generic porno magazine like "Club" or "Swank," but it turns out it's a light bondage magazine. Since the government has been cracking down on pornography some of the more mainstream magazines have had to tone down their content. This includes Penthouse shelving Bob Guccione's push to make urination a popular fetish, but Nugget has picked up the slack admirably.
Best Article Title: ""Mistress Taylor Violates Vivica's Inner Cum Glazed Cheeks"
Defining Quote: Then, she slowly presses the heel of the shoe against my rectum until she penetrates me. The thick squarish heel pushes inside me, filling me with four inches of hot wet shoe leather.
Most Depressing Image: Your eyes are not deceiving you, Flava Flav is attending a fetish party and he's holding a giant plastic phallus. I think the other members of Public Enemy should probably sue him for wearing the logo clock to events like that. Flava Flav is a joke!
Verdict: Nugget wants desperately to be a mainstream porno magazine. It is loaded to the gills with reviews, party articles, letters and various other worthless horseshit that would make the latest snore festival Updike has shit into Playboy look like "Rabbit is Rich."

Razzle

Description: Razzle is a horrible British porno magazine that serves as a weird advertisement for a bunch of pay-to-see photo services. Even their anemic in-house pictorials are heavily censored and include information on how you can pay to see the full and uncensored images. Some of the women are attractive in that face-too-small-for-their-head way that only British women have quite mastered, but I doubt many Americans will be breaking out the conversion calculator to figure out how many Pounds Sterling they'll have to shell out in order to see Tyffany chuffing a dong.
Best Article Title: "Dirtbag"
Defining Quote: I'm married to a wife I shag every now and again, and I have two bits on the side.
Most Depressing Image: The back of the magazine was filled with a bunch of mini-pictorials of readers who sent in photos. You could pay some outrageous amount of money to have Razzle send you their photos. All of the pictures were fairly depressing, but this one was by far the worst. An elderly woman, with pigtails, wearing what appears to be a schoolgirl outfit. What, did they run out of diapers and baby bonnets at the inappropriate costume store? I really dig the rings around her neck. Those are probably the wedding rings from the husbands she has outlived.
Verdict: A pay-per-view magazine is a terrible idea.

Revelation

Description: The revelation here is that French people are extremely ugly. The magazine seems to have been put together some time in the early 1980s even though the copy seemed brand new. The pictorials were nearly random and ran the gamut from 18 year old girls to grandmothers with hideous leering faces pointing their tongues in the direction of vaginas. There was hair everywhere. There was hair growing out of hair. The back half of the magazine was devoted to these creepy swinging clubs and personals. All of the photos looked like they were shot in a basement and everyone's eyes were covered with black bars. That, coupled with the pale flabbiness of the people, made me feel uneasily like I was flipping through a crime scene photo book.
Best Article Title: "Madame Est Servie!!"
Defining Quote: Superbe belle nymphe!
Most Depressing Image: Get some naked old people on filthy mattresses in a basement's rumpus room and you've got a party! If this is the kind of orgy worthy of a pictorial in France I would hate to see the orgies that failed to make the cut. They would probably be 15 obese old men beating off onto a sick cat inside a ruined bomb shelter. Maybe with like a couple skeletons or a giant worm or something moving around in the background.
Bonus Image: Well heck, a Nazi raping a giraffe woman and some cop drama involving oil wells? Why do they even need to advertise? These things sell themselves!
Verdict: While there is nothing obviously illegal about Revelation there is something inherently wrong about the magazine. Wrong enough that I think we should consider banning its importation.

Sexscape

Description: Sexscape, which I had never heard of before, turned out to be the plain filthiest of the porno magazines. Half of each of the many pictorials seemed to consist of the women being coated in semen. The pretense of themes for the pictorials usually consisted of "this woman is wearing a wig" or "this guy likes having sex." The magazine even included a photograph of a nude woman with targets drawn on various body parts so that readers could score their ability to ejaculate onto the page.
Best Article Title: "Pierce Me! The ringed beaver!"
Defining Quote: "I've eaten my fair share of spunk in my time but this was a real treat. With a finger up both their butts they went off one after the other dowsing me with blurting wads of thick, white chud."
Most Depressing Image: No amount of eye shadow can hide her crow's feet. No five dollar fright wig can conceal her worn brow. This woman treats photo shoots for Sexscape like a GI in a foxhole enduring artillery bombardments. Keep your head down and your tongue out and maybe, just maybe, you'll catch that million dollar load of shrapnel that will buy you a ticket home.
Verdict: Shell-shocked women and green replacements share the content-dense pages. There is not even a whiff of class in this magazine. There isn't a cursory video game review or motorcycle of the week article to frame the hardcore pornography. If what you want is quantity then Sexscape is the top pick.

BLUE RIBBON WINNER:Taboo

Description: I think this is some kind of sister publication to Nugget. It focuses on slightly more hardcore bondage and oddball fetishes. It includes the same mix of attractive women and hags as Nugget but manages to spoil nearly every hint of eroticism with knots and weird costumes. I guess if you're a sadist who is really into tying ropes then this magazine might have a lot of good content. Some of the knots are so complicated you'd need a manual as thick as a phone book to duplicate them.
Best Article Title: "Knocked Up in the Lockup"
Defining Quote: "Now that I've been a breeding slave, I'll see if I can figure out how to get myself pregnant again. Maybe this time, I'll get it from a real penis."
Most Depressing Image: I wonder if the unborn child of a pregnant porn model gets a paycheck? He'd probably just blow it all on meth by the looks of things. The best thing I can say about this image is that at least it appears to be intentionally depressing. I don't know that it's a noble goal when you're trying to sexualize a pregnant woman, but odds are you aren't a very noble person if you're trying to sexualize a pregnant woman in the first place.
Verdict: The magazine for people who get called a "fetish freak" by guys with Nugget subscriptions. Features nearly five times the urination content of Nugget! Truly the worst. Maybe not quite as depressing as the fat woman magazine, but it's actually more disgusting.
Congratulations to our big winner: Taboo!

I hope you learned as much as I have about just how bad porn publications can get. This is just scratching the surface! There are all manner of extremely creepy-looking black and white porno magazines just waiting to ruin your day.

I will now do my civic duty and place these magazines in a plastic bag, drive out to the nearest wooded area and place them there for some unwitting children to find and enjoy. Well, okay, not enjoy, but at least erotically traumatized.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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