DNA Activation, submitted by Richard. If I remember my high school biology class, and I think I do, DNA was invented in 1956 by British scientists after they were exposed to X-rays and turned into super-scientists. Most people happen to think of DNA as little more than a molecule which contains genetic information, but most people are idiots. Did you know that DNA is actually a mystical 12-dimensional structure which has the potential to turn every human being into a living God?

Most people know that DNA is the 'blueprint of life' and is located in every cell of the body. In addition to each chromosome's 2 strand double helix of DNA, there are an additional 10 etheric strands of DNA available to each human, that have been de-activated and dormant since the beginning of recorded history. Each additional strand possess attributes that permit the individual to perform greater human accomplishments. Scientists acknowledge that we currently only use 3% of our current 2 strand DNA. Thus we live in a society where people are sick, unhappy, stressed out, create wars, have difficulty experiencing love, and are totally disconnected with the universe. Most people have to meditate for many years just to have a so-called 'mystical' experience, that's how disconnected we are now. Imagine activating 100% of your 2 strand DNA, PLUS 10 additional strands! You will go from using 10% of your brain to becoming a multi-dimensional being with psychic, telepathic, and manifestation abilities beyond anything you've ever dreamed of.

That's right, for the low, low price of $100 per session, DNA Practitioner Toby Alexander promises to "infuse your bio-energetic field with 12th dimensional energy." In fact, DNA Practitioner Toby Alexander's methods are so advanced, he doesn't even need to meet you in person! Instead, at a specified time he will remotely log on to your brain using a "special mental technology called remote viewing" and soon enough you'll be on the road to X-Men-ish super powers! After all, it's not like DNA is merely a sequence of nucleotides designed to allow cellular structures to manufacture specific proteins, that would be silly.

– Andrew "Linguica" Stine

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.