Win a Date With Holly Body, submitted by Pumpkin Percy. Holly Body, as you may have read, is a petulant career porn actress with enormous stone-like breasts and a pair of wax lips permanently glued to her oversized face. Her web site is the usual lame porn actress vanity members-only site that includes such exciting features as “preview [her] movies in Real Audio” and “Live Chat with [her] and [her] friends” and supposedly “so much more.” Wow, what more could we really ask for, Holly? I mean golly, Real Audio format movie previews and we get to chat it up with you and your no-doubt exceedingly erudite friends! I can’t think of anything else I would even want out of a porn site other than maybe a video of Tom Sizemore ranting about killing police officers.
But wait, what’s this:
A dream given form! Tell us the details, Holly.
Here’s how I imagine our date going:
We meet in Las Vegas for a wild night out on the town. I’m wearing flip-flops, Bermuda shorts and an anime t-shirt. Possibly for Naruto or Blue Submarine No. 6; it depends on the day of the week. My neckbeard glistens with sweat in the Las Vegas heat. You arrive 73 minutes late in your limousine wearing the exact same sequined dress you wore in “Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35.” I tell you I recognize the dress and you stare at your cell phone. I think things are off to a great start.
We head to a bar and night club in Las Vegas called Dominos and you immediately tell me that you’ve got to talk to someone named Keith. I think that’s a little bit rude, but I’m not a porn star so maybe you are really busy all the time. You go into the back room and come out 81 minutes later and find me sipping a virgin strawberry daiquiri while I play Advance Wars 2 on my Game Boy Micro. I tell you about my Game Boy Micro when we get back to the limousine. You show me your cell phone and I open the address book and see Stephanie Swift’s phone number and you grab the phone away from me.
Then we head to the restaurant and you order five drinks. I tell you that you might want to slow down and you make a weird face at me and sort of laugh. I try to order the lobster but you tell me that you’re busy and I only have time for an appetizer. I order the shrimp but you say something to the waiter and then mozzarella sticks come out. I ask you what it felt like to have two black penises in your vagina at the same time and you tell me that it felt like a new jet ski. I laugh even though I don’t get the joke and I say that I am going to have to try a jet ski out and then I realize that makes me sound gay and I just stay quiet for the rest of the meal.
You are pretty drunk after dinner and you keep saying that you should probably call it a night but I tell you that I won the contest fair and square and I get to try to, you know, make you…you know. We go back to the hotel and I try to show you my Sailor Moon hug pillow but you say really loud that you have to go diarrhea in my bathroom. Then you make a bunch of farting noises in my bathroom but I can tell they are not real ones. I laugh though because that’s sort of a funny thing to do. I take all my clothes off and lay with Sailor Jupiter waiting for you. When you come out of the bathroom I think something is wrong because you sort of make a gagging face. Too much to drink? You get mad and tell me to take a shower and brush my teeth.
When I come out you are talking on your cell phone again and you do this for another 45 minutes so I order “The Longest Yard” on the hotel TV. I pretend not to hear what you are saying on the phone but some of the things are about me and they make me kind of sad. You hang up and stare at me really mad and I move in to kiss you but your lips are pressed together and I make a joke about that and you just stare at me some more. Then I climb on top of you and you start grunting about my elbow so I am going to do oral stuff on you but you say you’re on your period. I say that’s okay but you say no it isn’t. Then I try to put my penis into you and it is really hard but you yell at me and make me get up. I ask if I can see your breasts before you leave and you slam the door on your way out.
It was a good first date but I think the next one will be better.
Are you ready for the hot ish, Holly Body?
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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