Ashland High School Horticulture, submitted by . Ever have that one psycho high school teacher who thought he existed on another plane of reality? The photography teacher who vents his frustration over failing miserably in his life-long dream to become the world's top fashion photographer on kids who have the NERVE to chew gum in his class, for example? Well, it doesn't matter, because Ashland High's Horticulture teacher is twice as insane as all of your ditzy Spanish teachers put together.
Eric Mayer is a teacher, a father, a single parent, a student of Zen, a traveler, a cook, a poet and a dreamer of dreams. He works hard to make his dreams come true.
I bet his dreams aren't nearly as cool as mine. No dreams for you, only ye demons! Anyways, this crazy teacher man has spent a decent chunk of his life videotaping, photographing, editing, encoding, scanning, and uploading all sorts of totally useless dribble that nobody in their right mind would ever even think of caring about. There's a whole series of videos chronicling what happens when he force-feeds his students homemade root beer, for god's sake! He also has pictures of student parking violations (?!?) and lame movie quotes.
But the highlight of the site has to be Mayer's "One Minute Lessons":
"Some of the most important things I know take less than a minute to teach and last a lifetime." Mayer's Life Lesson #91
Too bad all those "important things you know" turn out to be things even a the most hick-ass preschooler can do without any instruction whatsoever. You need to produce and narrate (very enthusiastically, I might add) a video on how to load a pickup truck with mulch? Gee, why don't you teach me how to open a door or maybe even show me the proper way to push a shopping cart? That's one quick lesson that would certainly last me a lifetime! All his video clips are pretty darn short - fifteen seconds or so - but it's more than enough time to disturb the hell out of you.
Actually, I'm a little scared of what'll happen if this guy finds out who I am. He'll probably post a series of videos like this:
"Verifying Identity of Punk who Slandered me on Web Page" 15 second video, 336K.
"How to Execute a Fatal Flying Kick" 24 second video, 603K.
"How to Cram a Human Body Into the Trunk of a Car" 14 second video, 314K.
"Disposing of the Witnesses" 9 second video, 259k.
Spine-tingling scary stuff abounds! Horticulture? More like HORRORculture! (Quite the zinger, eh?) Thanks, Mr. Creepy Teacher!
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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