It's no secret that the Internet is chock full of maladjusted social deviants who would rather download the latest "Honey Star Semen Wonder Child 5: Kiss Reckoning" anime episode than venture outside their homes and physically interact with living human beings who refuse to wear hoodies. The Internet is like a giant psychiatrist's waiting room, packed to the brim with folks swallowing handfuls of anti-depressants and various experimental anti-anxiety medications. It's only a matter of time before acronyms like "ASL" are replaced with more appropriate, meaningful questions such as "WMUO" ("what medications you on?") and "WYS" ("who's your shrink?"). In addition to fields such as "favorite homepage" and "age," instant messaging programs will soon have popular fields you can check to let people know you are afraid of speaking to strangers in public or if you've been taking Zoloft for more than five consecutive years.
The Internet's remarkable ability to attract the mentally incompetent has resulted in a gigantic global community of folks with more awkward social moments than the entire season of "The Wonder Years." Many people express their frustration with meeting members of the opposite sex on their Livejournals, Blogs, or crappy website forums. They complain that despite their ability to woo countless Insane Clown Posse fangirls online and find wonderful people of questionable gender in AOL chatrooms, they simply cannot meet females in the physical world. While it may be fiendishly simple to write "omg ur a qt" on an instant message, it's a bit more difficult for these folks to say it in person. Let me give you an example proving my point:
WOMAN: "I sure am enjoying myself in this bar! Oh look, a fat, greasy, disheveled man is lumbering towards me! I wonder what he wants!"
MAN: (Mustering up all his courage) " WOMAN: (Confused) "What does 'less than three' mean?"
MAN: (Nervously looking around for a Paxil dispenser while quickly beginning to freak out)
WOMAN: "I don't understand! What are you trying to tell me? What do you want? Are you saying you're not three years old yet? Who are you? How did you get in here? Why does your t-shirt say 'Honey Star Semen Wonder Child' on it? Are you a child pornographer?"
MAN: (Running away, screaming) "OPS PLZ!!!"
I have decided to share just a few of the many, many tips I have amassed over my 28 years of meeting women, to help you, the stereotypical socially anxious Internet fat guy, become a well adjusted human being capable of conversing with members of the opposite gender (women) over mediums of communication that do not involve modems. I feel I'm the best person to offer advice on this subject because I've been rejected by just about every female in this particular solar system, and this proves I've got the experience necessary to offer handfuls of helpful advice which will undoubtedly result in a costly lawsuit.
Before launching into a full scale groin attack with some unfortunate broad who doesn't know exactly how disgusting you are, you must first study up and learn how to maximize your social effectiveness while minimizing your social awkwardness. Most women are not attracted to chubby blobs in faded Dragonball-Z t-shirts covered with neon orange Cheeto stains visible from the moon, despite however many times they claim they are attracted to a man's personality. If you're going out with the sole purpose of impressing women so you can trick them into having sex with you, you must make yourself as appealing as possible, even if it involves using lasers and fog machines to disguise that dog house-sized gut of yours. Here are a few "dos" and "do nots" that you should keep in mind when preparing to woo the woman of your dreams.
|Dry clean your dress clothes in a laundromat.||Steam clean your dress clothes in a White Castle.|
|Take a shower in clean water for 10 minutes.||Have your Everquest character go swimming for 10 minutes.|
|Wear a shirt which matches your pants.||Wear a shirt which matches the theme of your Underoos.|
|Tell your family that you're going on a date and they should watch over your house while you're away.||Tell your family that you're going on a date and they should refresh your Livejournal for by-the-minute updates.|
|Try to freshen up by spraying cologne on your neck.||Try to build up an immunity by spraying mace in your eyes.|
Women, much like men, judge everything on first appearances, so it's important to look attractive and remove all the Taco Bell chalupa wrappers from your beard. In fact, women are almost exactly like men, except they are all weird and emotional and crazy and they don't have penises and they don't like anything men like and they are completely different in just about every aspect. But besides all that, they are just like you and I.
When preparing yourself for a night on the town, keep in mind that even though humanity has been evolving for thousands, perhaps millions of days, we are still just as competitive and primitive as inferior animals such as dogs, horses, and professional football players. Our mating ritual, just like many zoo animals, still consists of a female choosing the most colorful, vibrant, confident partner she can find, so maybe it'd be a good idea to staple some bright red and blue bird feathers to your forehead while emitting horrible screeching noises and waving your arms. Be sure to express your dominance over rival males by pecking them in the face with your beak and then humping them from behind. Of course none of these pointers apply to rich people. If you're a millionaire who is ugly as sin, you can hire somebody else to staple bird feathers to their forehead and hump males.
Now that you've prepared yourself, you must figure out what type of female companion you are looking for. Much like rare Pokemon, different types of women hang around different types of locations. However, unlike Pokemon, you simply cannot throw a metal ball at them and enslave them for life. Before going out and finding the woman of your dreams, determine your social skill level so you can choose the best location to pick up women. Here is a brief chart listing a few of the more popular locations for males to drool over females:
Difficulty Level: Difficult
Types of Women Available: Drunkards, the perpetually unemployed, attractive women with horribly ugly friends that talk too loudly and somehow think they're attractive because their friend is, cocktail waitresses who hate you and all other customers, some fat lady always wearing a sweater and playing the rusty trivia game in the dark corner.
Description: Bars are essentially high school lunchrooms for folks over 21 years old. All the old cliques, generic personality types, backstabbing fake friends, and retarded politics resurface here, as 100 men compete for the attention of a single woman with a crooked nose and mole the size of Manhattan. Only the most competitive men go to bars looking for women, as bars are tilted heavily towards the female's advantage. For example, take the whole concept of "happy hour"; bars bribe women to come in and get drunk so they might have a serious lapse in judgment and sleep with another person there. Some people might call this cheap or disgusting, but my parents call it my conception.
Strategy: Persistence. If you find an attractive woman, ask her out. If she says no, then leave and come back again, this time wearing a fake moustache. If she still says no, then leave and come back again, this time wearing a fake bears and claiming you are Allah. If she turns you down again, feel free to throw rocks at her skull until it breaks apart like a rotting pumpkin full of firecrackers. If anybody tries to give you any trouble, claim religious persecution and file a lawsuit with the ACLU.
Location: Music concertnot as Romantic!
Difficulty Level: Average
Types of Women Available: Drunk women, drunk women with tattoos of bugs all over their face, drunk women on drugs, drunk women on drugs who mistakenly believe they are sober and in a different dimension, drunk women who have passed out and are gagging on their own vomit as paramedics load them into an ambulance.
Description: Although concerts are loud, crowded, and full of people colliding into each other every quarter note, they are often a good place to pick up women because the lights and alcohol help disguise how ugly you really are. Additionally, you don't have to worry about saying anything incredibly clever or witty, as the music will drown out anything you say and make it seem like you're just shouting the phrase "Martha the Humpback Whale" over and over. In the rare case that you are actually saying "Martha the Humpback Whale," it will sound like you're shouting, "pop a wheelie, Bozo."
Strategy: Conformity. Blend in with the rest of the people in the crowd and pretend you are a musician as well. If she asks what band, claim you're the lead singer of "Martha the Humpback Whale." Tell her that you're so underground and non-mainstream that you routinely murder all the people in your band to prevent them from telling other people about your music and therefore making it slightly more popular. If the woman then begins throwing up and choking on her own vomit, insist to the paramedics that you ride with her in the ambulance., as you just found yourself some prime dating material. Women gagging on their puke cannot say "no," and even if they could, what you're doing to them will probably seem slightly less disgusting than the current alcohol poisoning battle they're fighting.
Difficulty Level: Easy
Types of Women Available: Crying women, dead women.
Description: As any man knows, women are fragile, emotional creatures. They do insane things like cry at even the slightest provocation, such as the death of a close family member or friend. Although such emotional outbreaks may seem negative to an outsider, they indicate the prime opportunity to make your move and forcefully cram some romance into their lives. Feel free to exploit their emotional weaknesses to your liking. Make empathetic comments such as, "I'm sorry [NAME OF THE DECEASED] passed away," or "I was really fond of [NAME OF THE DECEASED], [NAME OF THE DECEASED] was an awesome [DECEASED'S GENDER BEFORE THEY DIED]." Make sure you don't actually say "name of the deceased" unless the person who died was named "Name of the Deceased," in which case it would be acceptable to refer to them as Mr. or Mrs. Name of the Deceased.
Strategy: Lying. When women are in their emotional, crying, sad state of mind, they'll believe anything to make themselves feel better. Tell them that you were good friends with the corpse and he thought you were a completely awesome guy with a great personality and a huge penis (don't actually refer to the corpse as "the corpse"). Claim the spirit of the dead person is inside of you and he wants you two to have wet sloppy sex. Well maybe you shouldn't say that if it's her father's funeral.
The mating ritual is a difficult, complex process which requires a lot of work, effort, and lying. Fortunately, if you are dedicated and committed (not in a mental ward), you will eventually find yourself with the woman of your dreams and you won't have to post any more "WHY DON'T GIRLS LIKE NICE GUYS LIKE ME?" threads on Internet forums. This is because you will be too busy posting "GIRLFRIEND DRIVING ME CRAZY, WHAT DO I DO?" threads, but I guess that's one of the tradeoffs you must make for the sake of a relationship. Just pop some more Prozac and everything will fall into place.
On the first day of Christmas my dealer gave to me, a bag of shrooms and some LSD
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here and all ready for Gooncon this weekend. I think I'm one of the few people that work at the site that hasn't received a death threat. You've still got a few days left, so send them in now!
Forum goon fuckingtest started up a thread a little while ago with this first post:
First, take a look at this page:
nothing there? Well there are some images on there that cracked me up. These are pics from one of those School Nurse's office posters showing what to do if a child is choking. I found these while looking for accident victims for another thread and thought, this could be good...Ive always loved the imagery and lettering on these.
And that's when the goons disturbing and pervese nature took over with a flurry of photoshopping madness. With that, I present to you this week's Comedy Goldmine, "Save-ur-life™ wall posters!"
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.