Lair of the Shebitch, submitted by me. Do vampires exist? Of course not, but that doesn't stop loads and loads of podgy girls and effeminate boys from strapping on the goofiest black outfits possible and pretending to be scary vampires. These ghoulish and misunderstood kids spend the time after their evening shifts at McDonald's role-playing the life of a vampire and dreaming of being the next Count Chocula, whose crossover celebrity is the envy and inspiration of all children of the night.
Your lovely host, eager to sink her teeth into a pie!
The Lair of the Shebitch website explores the vampire culture in excruciating and gratuitous detail. The site seems to be run by the vampire equivalent of a Pillsbury Doughgirl who has created a haven for all the misguided demon-crazed yokels of the world to go batty and exercise their writing and artistic skills. Sadly, if one were to rate those skills using a numerical scale, the results would bring such shame to numbers that we would have to redefine mathematics to exclude them. We're talking Photoshop filters abused in ways that make lens flares look good enough to have sex with. Case in point:
The writing is even more exciting! Eggecellent poems like this take you straight to the winner's circle:
One moment in time.
So perfect, so sweet.
Your blood on my tongue.
Your essence filling me.
Your taste intoxicating
Like warm, crimson fire.
I want you. I need you.
Let me be satisfied.
Forever in your arms.
Forever in your heart.
Pretty much all the poetry explores the wonderfully original and exciting themes of whining about blood, longing, darkness, and shallow teenage rebellion gone horribly wrong. If these poems were any worse, Scott and Zack would write back-to-back updates about them!
There is also commentary on important hot button issues like whether "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is okay or not, including crossover fan fiction with those damn Ann Rice books! If you are a confused vampire fan wondering if it's okay to like Buffy, then this is the type of hard hitting advice that will get your moral compass pointing straight back to hell.
What's most amazing to me is that this crap fest won the prestigious Vampires of the World Award for an Outstanding Site:
I guess they give this honor out to just about anybody now. My how the mighty have fallen. I know in my day your site had to be top notch to win an award like that. But today I guess standards are much lower, and a digital scab like the Shebitch's Lair can qualify. Yes, I am jealous.
By now you might be wondering what led these foul and frail ogres to take up such retarded lifestyles, and to be honest, I think it started at childhood. Those damn muppets, they haunt me day and night!
Shazam! There's a guestbook too!
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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