Submitted by Lowtax
Recently, our very own benevolent dictator Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka went to China on a TOP SECRET MISSION. Upon his return his eyes bore the cold, dead look of a man that had to kill several dozen men or perhaps bears with his own bare hands. Naturally, the rest of the writing staff was somewhat concerned. Upon asking him what exactly he'd been doing in China, he slapped a dirty, tattered scrap of paper on the table, screamed "GHOST DAD" at the top of his lungs and left the room.
On that piece of paper, written in what forensic tests would later confirm was human blood, was a URL. A URL to this very video. A video that creates more questions than answers, answers some of it's own questions and then creates even more questions from those answers. What was he doing in China? Why am I now being followed by a black helicopter and several unmarked cars wherever I go? How does Bill Cosby fit into all of this?
Frankly, at this point, I fear for my own life. If they take me, just know th
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!