what is the best way to make coffee?


Piso Mojado

i broke my french press and need something new

Splatmaster

Chew the raw beans slowly, and mash them through your teeth like mashed potatoes. Swallow with cream and sugar to taste.

Olivel

grind your beans by hand in a mortar made of fine peruvian basalt. toss the grounds into a clean toilet tank. let sit 24 hours then flush into a mug

Rushi

i think if you buy something like coffee and take it rly far away from where you bought it then you can exchange for money, more than you bought it for

poverty goat

In the post apocalyptic future k-cups will be a critical construction material, akin to marble in ancient Greece and Rome

albany academy

I use an atlantean press, it's pretty popular in the hollow earth where pressures allow them to make really dank brews

mrbradlymrmartin

oh another good way to make coffe is to mix instant coffe into a cup of coffe, that way it works twice as hard to wake you up

Business Gorillas

I thank each bean for being here and whisper them words of encouragement while I put them in a cup with hot water

I let the coffee beans democratically decide how they brew themselves

POOL IS CLOSED

I keep my beans off balance and under high pressure in a stressful work environment. Everything about their work stations is Taylorized so that they always know they're being watched. they know who owns them. Under these conditions, the beans practically roast and brew themselves.

albany academy

I first start off with a list of things that I have disliked about my coffee in the past, going into very fine detail the exact specific things that I thought were not up to par. I don't refer to any of the coffees by name, but I give enough detail that anyone would easily know which coffee I'm referring to, but vague enough that I could plausibly deny it to HR if it ever came to that.

I then present a PowerPoint of a multi step action plan, itemized according to the preceding "areas of improvement", and trust that I have sufficiently terrorised the coffee enough to meet my expectations.

mailorder bees!

eat the grounds

Drink-Mix Man

put the grounds in your mouth with some hot water and swish it around.

Manifisto

I hate to sound pretentious here but the best coffee is made by hand. get the best unroasted coffee you can to start with--you cannot make good coffee with inferior beans. next, hold those beans in your hands until the warmth from your body roasts them. you are looking to take the beans no further than a full city+ roast, that's just a few seconds into second crack, but for many beans, such as central american or island varietals, you really want to stay firmly within first crack. as soon as your beans are the desired degree of roast, flail the beans around swiftly in your loosely held fists to cool them off.

now you need to grind the beans--an exacting science. you will do this by crushing them in your hands, ideally by holding the beans in an open palm and driving the balled-up fist of your other hand into them like a pestle, but you must use care: you want to crush them neither too loosely nor too finely, and the exact size of the grounds will depend on your method of brewing. here we want something on the slightly coarse side: you're not ready for handspresso! you will freshly crush/grind the beans each time you brew, of course.

now it is time to brew. use whatever method you want to get the water to the ideal temperature of about 200 degrees f. purists such as myself would insist on building a fire with your hands, kindled by rubbing sticks together, ideally something with a slight smokiness that will complement your coffee (mesquite perhaps?), then heating the water in a cupped palm. in any event, once the water is up to temp, you will grab a precisely measured fistful of fresh ground coffee in your mitts and plunge it into the scalding water for the exact right amount of time. a bit of trial and error is involved in figuring the ideal brew time, I suggest starting with four minutes and checking the results. you are more likely to get underextraction at this brew time than overextraction.

when the coffee is ready, you could drink it out of a mug I suppose. if you're an uncivilized heathen. that first slurp from a cupped palm, knowing you've made your beverage exactly the way it's supposed to be made--priceless.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.