I took a vacation in Japan. The police claimed that playing with faeces in public was lewd behavior, the guitarist decided to prove his turd was fake via placing it in his mouth.
I was once having dinner at Hooters, and rather enjoying myself. I noticed a very tall man head into the restroom. I didn't think much of it, until about 5 minutes later. When he decided the best course of action would be to completely disrobe and saunter through the restaurant and out to his car. The most surreal aspect was that not a single person seemed to comment on his behavior. Though our waitress was just horrified and kept trying to offer us free food to make up for the 'trauma'. So, I just calmly explained that I was eating at Hooters, and therefore probably fairly comfortable with the human body.
I had a regular customer at my old job. This guy was about 60, wore jeans and a flannel shirt with a baseball cap and looked like he just climbed off a tractor. He would go and buy some Advil packets and when he came to the counter he'd lean over just enough to fully expose a hot pink bra with little diamonds on it. Then when you gave him his change he'd look down, gasp and close his shirt back up with an embarrassed, shocked look, then walk out.
A few months back, he showed up at my new job. Making me wonder a) how many other shops he does this at or b) is he stalking me?
I live about 3 blocks away from the local university, so on the weekends I see some pretty crazy shit on my street. While I was out smoking a cigarette on my front porch, a SUV with a canoe on top of it drives past, going at least 50mph in the 30 zone. Yeah, I know that's not that bizarre, here's what is: There was a 20ish girl sitting in the canoe frantically rowing as fast she could while sporting a huge grin.
When I was little, my parents took me and my sister to Disney World almost every year. On one of these trips, I saw Mickey Mouse and Tigger getting into a fight down a side alley at Epcot Center. Mickey punched Tigger so hard that his head spun around backwards and he fell against a brick wall.
Last week I saw a guy riding a specially built bicycle, backwards. Every few seconds he had to turn his head to see where he was going. There was a sign on the back (front) of the bike which read "Bicycling backwards across America".
I saw an old guy throw a hot roast chicken at someone in Safeway because they didn't have any barbecue flavour ones left.
Recently, I saw a homeless guy with a cardboard guitar, playing it furiously while begging for money. He also had written 'homeless for life' on the guitar. I appreciated his gusto.
Another time, I was walking past the Science Museum in St. Paul with a buddy, and we saw another homeless guy, only this guy had his shirt off and was covered in sweat rubbing his nipples. He saw us gawking at him and started pointing at us and yelling in some form of urban, African-American vernacular I couldn't understand. He was there hours later, after we had been kicked out of the concert we were attending, still rubbing his sweaty nipples.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.