Websites and publications offer exorbitant prices for candid pictures of celebrity offspring. Why? Those infants look largely indistinguishable from the thousands of profoundly ignorable babies plastered all over Facebook. But what if these kids were instantly recognizable, reflecting their parent's (or parents') famous features from birth? Or what if it weren't only their own progeny that were affected; random youth somehow acquired congenital disorders that left them with the physical and psychological characteristics of the stars? Forums poster Millie wondered this; she wonders a lot of things. But she carried this concept to term, with some help from the SA Forum Goons.
Millie "Pattinson Syndrome: Features wide-set eyes and a smashed-in nose. Doesn't change facial expression. Also sparkles. Strange women will try to breastfeed him."
SlightButSteady "My father was Rodney Dangerfield and they tell me I have Marty Feldman Syndrome. No respect I tell ya!"
Grape Juice Vampire "Ke$hosis: Alcohol-dependent upon birth and prone to auto-tuned bouts of screaming."
Millie "Baby GaGa Syndrome: Baby it was born this way. With a peen. And a vaj. And Maybelline."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.