Twigand Berries

Testing Materials




Experiment

500ml Erlenmeyer Flask Unaided (Control)

Several problems arose in the experiment during the testing of intercourse with the unaided 500ml Erlenmeyer Flask. In anticipation of the experiment, while watching Ms. Kay set up the flask for carnal knowledge, our test subject was already erect upon his attempt to insert his penis into the Flask's hole.

The hole was seemingly too small to accommodate our test subject's genitalia. Upon observing the test subject's penis, Ms. Kay suggested that the test subject calm down and enter the 500ml Erlenmeyer Flask while flaccid.

This was achieved.

After a minute of moving his penis around inside the flask without any evidence of further erection, the test subject withdrew and the data was recorded.

500ml Erlenmeyer Flask With Petroleum Jelly Lubricant





Due to previous successes with Petroleum Jelly in other experiments, Ms. Kay suggested that the test subject approach the Flask fully erect again. The test subject complied and with Ms. Kay's support we found that his penis would penetrate the 500ml Erlenmeyer Flask to a depth of approximately 6 to 8cm. After one minute of more enthusiastic intercourse, the test subject withdrew and the data was recorded.

NOTE Due to the apparent success of the lubrication, the test subject's penis was coated with petroleum jelly before insertion into the 500ml Erlenmeyer Flask for every test group following this, with the exception of the raw hamburger, which has its own lubricating properties (fat).

500ml Erlenmeyer Flask With Furry Animal

The experimenters had noted that in the Homo Sapiens community there are various groups that seem to draw sexual pleasure from cute, big eyed animals. The test subject attempted his love making while stimulated by a Furry Stuffed Animal.




In this test, although lubricated, the test subject encountered similar problems that he had with the unlubricated 500ml Erlenmeyer Flask. After one minute, the test subject withdrew and the data was recorded.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.