Around Noon, I gathered my bearings, bananas and berries and headed down to the Great Mall of America with my photographer.

After a few last minute adjustments (being startled by the car behind me, thus losing the grapes of the crown) and realizing that I forgot to bring a towel, we were off to find Great Memorial Day Savings, in honor of those who died in the Black Christmas wars of years past.

Plenty of people noticed & commented on my poise, grace and intriguing sense of style.

But the look wasn't perfect. Fortunately, I was able to improvise a solution. Say hello to the newest member of the Hat Club!

All of that window shopping sure made me hungry. While it's clear I could stand to lose a few pounds (particularly in the paunch, jaw and Fruit Hat areas), I decided to treat myself.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.