Quote: "is a character with a lot of personality and a definite edge to, as well as an air of mystery that will keep gamers intrigued. Players can expect to see more ofin the future."
Indicates: A superb team of writers spent months developing the personality for the game's central character, and did it with such detail that the character has enough back-story to sustain several games.
True Meaning: The character is bald if it's a guy, has huge boobs if it's a chick. He/she wears leather, and swears a lot. As far as back-story, we're making this shit up as we go along and contradict ourselves three times in the first hour. Our marketing department is placing all bets on this character to be the next big thing, so they already made us make two more games with the same engine to release next summer and Christmas.
Quote: "This game combines incredible quality with incredible value!"
Indicates: All the good looks and fun gameplay of a big budget game at a low, low price!
True Meaning: This festering shitshove was cobbled together in three weeks by two disgruntled Indian programmers in their spare time, backed by the blockbuster budget of three rupees and a bologna sandwich. The QA was done here in the States by a guy who "knows about computers." The PR? It's on the box, man!
Quote: “We've made minor refinements to this edition but gamers can expect the truegaming they love”
Indicates: Gamers worried about the state of their favorite franchise should be relieved to hear that it won't be changing much and will be slightly updated.
True Meaning: fuck you fans, we got your $50, enjoy your 2 new sprites
Quote: "State of the art physics engine adds new depth to gameplay"
Indicates: The game will let us use the physics engine to interact with the game world
True Meaning: The first couple of levels will be full of great tech demos of the physics system in action, but by the third level, the only evidence of it will be rag doll deaths and a pile of boxes that you can knock over
Quote: "We saw what people liked in the old series and..."
Indicates: The developers played the old games and ask people what they liked about the old games.
True Meaning: They did this so they can remove everything people liked and replaced it with call to power and civ 3.
Quote: “Featuring X exciting levels! Destroy your enemies with X unique weapons! Drive X new and fun vehicles!”
Indicates: We've created a compelling set of interesting environments, equipped you with various weapons that you'll have to use in different situations, and really tried to incorporate an exciting array of different vehicles for you to use.
True Meaning: This game fucking sucks. If we have to advertise about how many levels there are or how many weapons you can use it is only because there is absolutely nothing else in this game worth noting.
Quote: “We've kept the depth of the tactical combat that madegame great, but simplified the controls and moved theinto a new realm.”
Indicates: Gamers will have to learn new nuances of tactical combat, but with the jump into a later time period in the setting, will get a great new game with a greater mass appeal.
True Meaning: The game loses all resemblance to a tactical game and instead looks like a twisted version of Galaga, without the tactics. Or fun. And the game looks like shit.
Quote: "This game has over X [feature]s!"
Indicates: This game has well more than X [feature]s
True Meaning: This game has exactly X+1 [feature]s
Quote: "Train your skills at home with our deadly bots, then join our online community to take on human opponents from around the world!"
Indicates: Playing against the computer opponents will help you develop your skills; the people who play this game are interested in having another person to play against.
True Meaning: The bots follow set paths that you can learn easily, but that doesn't matter because they have 100% accuracy and always know exactly where you are. When you go online, you'll get called a "faggot newb" by people who have turned off all the attractive graphics and are hiding in a map glitch.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.