Quote: "Thousands of players wage war on a planetary scale."
Indicates: It's LIKE a normal first person shooter, but we made it so A THOUSAND PEOPLE CAN PLAY AT ONCE. Forget 64 person Tribes servers! A THOUSAND FUCKING PEOPLE!
True Meaning: We've divided up the game world so it's just like dozens of 20 person skirmishes, except with frustrating waits after dying, crippling lag, and utterly retarded gameplay.
Quote: "This game will feature new graphic technology called [buzzword*] that will revolutionize graphics on the system."
Indicates: ZOMG! This game will be leaps and bounds ahead of others in terms of graphical quality, future games will be based off of this revolutionary new technology!
True Meaning: This game will look just about the same as every other game that’s already out.
Quote: “Virtually every battleground element is fully interactive“
Indicates: Most, if not every object in the environment reacts in a realistic manner to what the player does.
True Meaning: Either there are close to no objects to interact with, or there are a lot, but they just blow up in an unrealistic manner.
Quote: “Declare your allegiance to one ofunique sides with their own advantages and handicaps!”
Indicates: Every side in this RTS/FPS/MMORPG has been designed to be totally distinct, allowing you to change up your entire game if you feel like a change of pace, just by switching sides! Unique powers and weaknesses mean each side will have to press their strengths to win, resulting in unusual and strategic match-ups.
True Meaning: The sides all have slightly different coloration, and one might have fairies or aliens or kobolds or laser guns that are slower than bullets or flying cars or something, oh, and the sides will be completely imbalanced right out of the gate, and our ham-fisted patching attempts (if we patch at all!) will punish people who employ effective measures or who happened to pick the "right" and "wrong" sides until we've suitably weakened and generalized every aspect of the game. And even THEN it won't be balanced. P.S. One side builds structures, but the other side BECOMES the structures, and the third side is just AN ARMY OF ANIMATE STRUCTURES! Hot damn we're clever!
Quote: "Duke Nukem will be out in 2005!"
Indicates: Duke Nukem will be out in 2005!
True Meaning: Duke Nukem will be out in sometime around when our universe collapses it on itself.
Quote: "A compelling new title from the creator of (one game you liked that was made ten years ago)."
Indicates: A gaming god has descended from the heavens to craft a game that's even better than the one that made him famous.
True Meaning: Run. Run fast and hard. Move at night under the cover of darkness, and take whatever rest you can manage during the daylight hours. They purposely forgot to mention the games he created between his masterpiece and now; failures in every sense of the word that sucked because his over inflated ego led him to believe that he could make even the most ambitious and convoluted ideas work.
Quote: "Allows you to play as one ofdifferent classes, each havingskills distributed byso each person will have their own unique abilities!"
Indicates: There is a wide variety of characters to play as, as well as a great deal of spells and abilities available to each class. The new format of skill gathering will balance the pros and cons of the abilities, as well as having a person decide between different sets of skills.
True Meaning: Half of the classes are completely useless. Each class which actually has some value has one or two skills which are grossly better than all the rest as well as ones which are completely useless. The faggots who are level 60 on the first day it is released will have already figured out the perfect distribution of skills such that if you do not mimic them exactly your character will suck shit compared to everyone else.
Quote: “As a squad leader in an elite counter-terrorist operative, use new intel and weapon skills to complete an incredible collection of single-player missions. Lead your team in increasingly challenging scenarios -- from harsh jungle environments to severe arctic terrains, unforgiving deserts to dangerous international city streets. Rescue hostages. Escort VIPs to safety. Locate and defuse bombs. A collection of entirely new objectives challenge your ability to think quickly and strategically.”
Indicates: As you fearlessly lead troops into the impossible, you seamlessly gather intelligence and use your weapon (an extension of your will) , to force your erect penis into the gaping maw of terrorism. Lead these elite troops into fierce combat in brutal jungles and deadly arctic environments, through the jawa lands, and into the streets of the France! Rescue scientists, escort the president to his secret base, locate and defuse bombs with only your pubic hair and a rubber band. A collection of new and exciting missions force you to this with a sharp tactical mind, or die in the field.
True Meaning: Single player is incredibly shallow, and is either way too easy, or impossible. In multiplayer, realize that nobody gives a fuck what you think about the situation, and the best solution is clearly to buy a gun and run full tilt into swarm of enemies, dying in a storm of bullets, while screaming at your team over voice com how much of a faggot you really are. Play 5 maps of indeterminable location that look exactly the same. Hope hostages don't get caught on imaginary obstacles! Attempt to lead the VIP only to discover he is AFK, as the enemy team rushes in and makes you into a sheath! Find something vaguely resembling a square sit on it and press a button! However, no matter what you do it's totally wrong in the eyes of your peers, who are always better players than you will ever be.
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.