The goons were thrilled, but a lot of them still had ideas of their own.
Silver:At the start of that, I really thought you were oh so going to jail, as you were taking them in the TV room to unpause the porn and continue rubbing one out. As it is though, I am glad you are not going to jail. Excellent work, sir!
martyb: Hahahah. Beautiful. Also, it would have been funny, if you had told them that their lives were in great danger by standing on your porch. After which, you grab them by their arms and pull them into the house. Then, pushing them down to the ground telling them not to get up. Also, make up some elaborate story about an electrical tracking device implanted in the center of your brain which would explode if tampered with. An aluminum foil helmet would also add to the effect.
Crackpipe: Great job! I once had a JW as a friend. Crazy bitch.
Moogle:"I've just been talking to God, and I'm afraid he doesn't know who you are."Close door.
PLasTiCHYbRiD: A kick in the groin would have made this story better, but it's still pretty damn good.
mike_the_bandit: Answer the door wearing a tinfoil helmet. Act really nervous, and look suspiciously up at the sky really often.
benji: Put some extremely LOUD and OBNOXIOUS porn in the DVD player (TV ON, dvd player not playing yet), then have them come in and sit down. Just act normal, and have them start testifying to you. Then, in the middle of their big testimonial, excuse yourself to get a beer. Come back, sit down...and "accidentally" turn on the PORN. Ask them random questions in the middle of their testiomnial like..."You ever do that?" "How does she not choke?!" "I wonder if that takes practice?" "Is this doing anything for you?"
Entropy++;: "Dost thou havest in thine baggie a lance of emancipation? The dark lord demands blood!"
...till they leave
Leader:I personally just answer the door wearing my "Axis of E(nron)vil" shirt, and I tell them my name is God. They... just leave.
TDKnighton: A friend of mine was butchering rabbits one day when the Jehovas Witlesses showed up. He had on cowboy boots, cut off shorts, a wife beater covered with blood, and a 2 day old beard. They were a couple of girls who looked to be in their teens. He told then they looked pretty nice and should come in the house with him. They promptly left and never came back.
Pacwang: Next time I have them come, I'm not going to do the obscure Final Fantasy 7 references that I usually do. Instead, I'm going to point out all the things the Mormons did to get me to follow them... then I'll take them to the back yard where an obstacle course will be set up. I'll tell them the Mormons completed it in four minutes something, and for my belief they'll have to do better than that. Then, if they refuse or manage to complete it in under that time, I'll pull out some padded poles and say they must fight the evil out of me, one by one. If they manage that, I'll then ask how many experience points I receive for finishing the Jehovah's Witness Belief quest. They'll leave exhausted and bruised, but at least they will believe they'll have a convert.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.