How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
A guy walks into a doctors office.
The doctor tells him, "You need an operation".
The guy says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and location of this tumor, and I think we should move quickly if we're going to get our best results."
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,
'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'
'Well what's so special about it?'
'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'
The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertantly left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distacted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most irridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.