Mayor Wilkins here with another fun-filled Comedy Goldmine. If you've clicked here, you've probably read what I wrote as an introduction on the front page. If you didn't, then you didn't read the front page, and you're a lazy piece of shit. Go on, go back. Read the front page. Read it all, every last word. I mean it. We don't do this site so that you can skip around from feature to feature, ignoring half of the important things we say. So get back to the front page. Read everything in today's update, goddammit. I'll wait.
Yeah, that was pretty funny, wasn't it? See, it was worth reading. Now you feel like a lazy sack of shit, don't you? And you should, since that's what you are. But you've learned your lesson, and I'm sure it won't happen again.
Anyway, this week's Goldmine is all about what happens when a forum goon gets bored while he has the house to himself while in possession of way too much free time and enough disposable income to buy a whole lot of aluminum foil. Enjoy this week's feature, brought to you by forum goon crabrock, entitled "I Bought Some Foil."
I'm a dick, plain and simple. When I heard my Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister were all headed out of town on a week long ski trip, I wanted to do something that would make them think twice before leaving me without somebody to cook me meals and carry me to the bathroom. Original plan was to move everything from sister's room into my brother's room, and vice versa. Then I remembered that I'm lazy so I wanted to do something that would require lots of sitting arround. I remembered a GBS thread from a while back where some dood got his whole apartment foiled. The thread got like 5 replies but the idea stuck. I decided that seemed fun, and was very dickish to boot. I discussed the plan with my friend Sherman, and he was up for some sitting arround too. We went to Costco and bought $80 worth of foil. We waited for them to leave, and then headed into what I imagine a vagina would be like if it was a big room that someone had to live in. Also maybe with the presence of a few dehumidifiers.
We decided that we would wrap everything we could in foil. Not just cover the furniture and make the room shiney, but really just go into super asshole mode with the foil. Everything would be wrapped. everything in the drawers, the drawers, even the music. haha get it, i'm implying we listened to Rap or hip-hop (we didnt we listened to bowie and then some other crap that sucked because sherman sucks at liking good music)
01: My friend and I survey the challenge, this is a desk for pencils and learning crap.
02: Sherman is doing something to his mouth while I take a picture. oh look, foil, what a coincidence!
03: my sister has a lot of pictures because she's retarded.
04: her dresser is filled with stupid girly stuff like some gay fountain and a lava lamp. hey wait a minute that's mine
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.