A lady counselor at camp was trying on some shorts and asked the room how they looked. I guess I wanted to sound older, like I knew what I was talking about. I'd seen TV with similar situations where girls say "does this make my butt look big?"
I said something like "it makes your butt look kind of big". It didn't, actually, they were just shorts. I just wanted to have an opinion on them. I had no idea that was a mean thing to say. I thought it would be more like, "I think so too, thanks."
She ended up becoming bulemic or something and leaving the camp, and all the kids blamed me. It was crazy. I still feel bad.
When I was real young my great aunt gave me Optimus Prime for christmas. Yeah, the original fucking first generation Optimus Prime. The sweetest fucking toy you could possibly get that year. I became furious and screamed at her because I only got one package (the one containing Prime) and some of the other kids there got multiple packages. They all got what I later realized was trivial, meaningless bullshit. But damnit, they got to open four presents and I only got one. My great aunt was nearly crushed and kept going on and on about how much the gift cost and that it was what I said I wanted (it was). They should have spanked me silly.
4 years old
Dad: You do love us, do you?
Me: Yes but I love Mum more than I love you!
When I was very young, somewhere under ten I somehow came up with this "hilarious" joke to pull on my mom...
"Hey mom, someone named Jenny called for you"
"Oh, really? Jenny who?"
I felt horrible
When I was a wee little one, oh probably about 7 or 8 I think, I asked my mother flatly, "Mom, how often do you and Dad have sex?" I still remember my mother's face after asking her. Oh my God .. My mother was taken aback to say the least. And dammit, I never did get the answer and I still don't know, thankfully. What was I thinking?
When I was 6 or so, my parents took my older sister and I to the store. I guess my older sister wandered off, and when I saw her again I, for some reason, shouted "WHAT ARE YOU, A LESBIAN??" across the store. People just stopped and stared at me, and my sister was embarrassed, as was my mom. I had no idea what a lesbian was at the time, and had apparently got the word from "Look Who's Talking", which I guess I liked at the time.
I was incredibly shy when I was young, so talking with strangers made me really uncomfortable. Anyway, when I was about 2 or 3 my family went out to dinner for Thanksgiving and the waitress would not leave me alone, despite having asked her several times. Eventually I screamed "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP YOU OLD TURKEY-HEAD!" The waitress was quite offended and left me alone. My great grandmother was there and got the biggest kick out of it, she even commented on how appropriate it was given the holiday.
My aunt was taking my sister and I to see a movie, I was about 8/9 at the time and so my sister was around 6/7. Somewhere between where we parked the car and the front door of the theater I realized the most important thing. "Aunt Donna, you're a virgin aren't you?" (she was probly 30ish at the time)
(slight chuckle)"What gives you that idea?"
(matter of factly)"Because you're not married."
I had forgotten all about that untill I read this thread, and now I have complete understanding of the look that was on her fact at the time. (She had misscarried at some point but I don't know all the details)
I was about four years old, and my mom was in the dining room using the table to wrap presents. I kept bugging her and bugging her, and she kept saying "Wait just a minute," but I kept going. Finally I came up right behind her to bug her again and she turned around at the same instant, knocking me down. Into the corner of the dining room table. With blood streaming down my head and a nice bruise forming around my eye, mom takes me to the hospital to get it checked out. We lived in a very small town at the time and knew the doctor personally, and as he's checking me out he squats down and asks me "So, little buddy, how did this happen?" With the saddest, most serious face I whispered "Mommy pushed me."
I shudder to think what would happen if those words were uttered in today's hospitals. As it was he just ruffled my hair and chuckled a bit, and said "I'm sure she didn't mean it."
Apparently I was a cute kid and nice but every once and a while Id decide I didnt like someone and completely rip them.
4th grade whilst discussing our dreams in the locker are Her: I wanna get married to a rich guy Me: The only way that is going to happen is if you get pregnant first. No one will marry you for love.
2 days in school suspension
I actually have a disciplinary report saved from my mom. She tried to shame me with it.
I grew up in a predominately black neighborhood. Which was all fine and dandy until, in the 4th grade, I informed the whole of my class, “I wished the slaves were never freed, because then I would own all your bitch asses.” In my defense I was picked on a whole lot.
When I was in pre-school we were talking about something and I rather non-chalantly brought up how my step-dad made me fall down the stairs. Well of course this sent off sirens and before you know it the police and social services were involved, who then proceeded to call up my mother at work and inform her that they had confiscated her son from her. A terrible thing to say to any mother. However what eventually set them off that my mother might not be as negligent as they thought was my conversation with the police officer:
Police: "It's all right, son. I'm a police officer, you can trust me." Me: "But you're a stranger, how can I trust you at all?"
The officer was completely shocked, but the social workers were pretty impressed and figured some sort of mistake had been made so they asked me exactly what happened.
Turns out I had recalled a scenario months ago in which my step-father and I were play-wrestling and we accidentally fell down the stairs. We had both been perfectly fine, the stairs were carpeted and not all that dangerous. Though it just goes to show how much adults can take what kids say out of context.
In preschool, we had some parent night/open house. Our 'homework' was to find out what our parents did for a living, and then we could introduce them to the whole class. I asked my father but didn't tell him what I needed to know for, so he gave me a smartass answer: "I make money." Then he showed me a check he was signing (work at home accountant so I guess it was job related) and told me to be careful and let the ink dry before I looked at it and smudged it all up.
So the next night, I got up and said "This is my dad, he makes money for a living but you have to be careful and let the ink dry!" The other parents gave him horrified looks, like he was a counterfeiter.
One day my dad picked us kids up from school, saying he had a 'surprise' for us when we got home. We were sat in the back all excited, guessing a range of things from a new T.V. to pet snakes and even dancing clowns. It came as a bit of a shock to arrive back to my mother crying and my dad announcing his departure.
At the time we went to church every Sunday morning. It must have only been a week after my dad had left that I was sat in Sunday school, aged about 6, and my very pious Sunday school teacher told us she had a surprise to tell us. I immediately stuck my hand in the hair and waved it about like a maniac, for I was sure I knew the answer! Spotting my excitement, she smiled sweetly and asked me what my guess might be:
"You've had an affair with a man and you're pregnant!"
I think what I meant to say was just the last part, but after all the conversations I'd been hearing that week, the affair part sort of just tumbled out of my mouth. I didn't even know what it meant at the time, but it was new to my vocabulary and I thought it sounded like a nice word. Anyway, being a good Christian lady, such an accusation obviously came as a shock. After literally SCREAMING at me for a good 5 minutes, then throwing me back out to the congregation, she later called my mum and told her I was possessed.
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I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.