My mother bought me up on movies like Bambi and The Land Before time (dad bought me up on Aliens and Army of Darkness =D). One day, when I was six or so, I watched one, then turned around to her and promptly asked "So, when are you going to die?" in a very "damnit, where's the milk" kind of way.
I needed her to die, because in all those movies, when the mother died, the kid sets off on a terrific adventure and does all sorts of cool shit. And damnit, she's not dead yet <>.
This of course bought my mother to tears at the time.
When I was four, my mother and I were in line at the grocery store. Behind us stood a very large woman wearing slacks that hid an enormous bladder pooch. The fat pooch had created a 6 inch cameltoe running up the slacks. Upon observing this, I began yelling at mother who was bagging items: "look mom, that woman has two butts. can she poop more?"
One day we were in sitting in church. I was 6 or 7 and not yet recieved first communion, so I had to sit down while my parents all went up to recieve the bread and wine stuff. I had been watching the three stooges obsessively for the past month and thought that physical humor was just as awesome in real life. As my mother came back to sit down in her chair, I yanked it out from under her. She hit the ground like a ton of bricks and just sat there looking at me while everyone else stared at us. How did I respond? Well, I pointed at her and loudly yelled, "GOT YOU GOOD! HAHAHA"
She quickly got back in her chair and sat the rest of the mass in near tears. I got yelled at on the way home.
I was about 6-7 when my Granny came down from Scotland to visit us for her, and my mothers birthday (Only about a week apart) and I decided to give my Granny a tub of Oil Of Olay, a mosturising and age effects reducing beauty product. When my Granny asked me why i had bought her this, i said, "So you dont look so old."
Thank god my family has a sense of humour.
I never said I hate you, but once, when I was probably two or three, I didn't want to get out of bed to go to day care. (My mom was a teacher, so it must have been awfully early.) I told her that when I grew up, I was going to be a mommy who would stay home and take care of her kids. My mom started to cry, of course.
Heh, she hasn't let me forget it, especially now that I'm older and all, "Quit my job and have kids? What is this, 1962?!"
Growing up, we only had 1 bathroom in our house. Which was terrible when all 3 of my sisters were at home. My sister that's 8 years older than I am had just started her very first period and was in the bathroom with our mother. My sister had a paper route in the neighborhood, and the dude from the newspaper company had just come over to collect the weekly money from the customers. I was little, and I really really had to go. I was pounding on the bathroom door demanding to be let in and they wouldn't let me in. I finally exclaimed "LET ME IN I HAVE MY PERIOD TOO!" and the newspaper man turned crimson.
When I was 2-ish, my mother and I were flying from Victoria BC to Ottawa for a move. When we were standing in the line at the airport, waiting to board, the man ahead of us in line apparently farted. Later, after we had boarded, the man was walking down the aisle of the plane and I stood up and yelled at the top of my lungs "MOMMY! THERE'S THE MAN WHO FARTED!". Imagine how mortified my mother must have been...THEN the man sat in the seat right in front of us. Mom says I spent the entire flight peeking over the back of the seat at this man, giggling and grinning at him. She said it was the longest flight of her entire life.
Dad using press card to get in somewhere for free (he was a journalist). Little me, about four, pipes up: He's just cheap, he won't actually write about this! Dad was embarrassed.
I don't remember this, but my parents tell me that when I was in a restaurant at about age one, a waiter asked me what I'd like to drink. I replied, apparently very dignified, in my best indoors voice: Mooo (imitating cow). And was served milk like I wanted.
When I was little (like 4 years old) my aunt used to live with us. She was a really heavy drinker during those days. Eventually, my mom got her to check into a rehab hospital. The hospital was in this really beautiful part of Connecticut with like, waterfalls and an otherwise really nice landscape. I went with my mom and my aunt on the way to the rehab hospital and I am told that, as we were walking around the place, I said something along the lines of "I want to drink too much wine so that I can come to this place, too."
I guess my aunt still uses that story in her AA meetings to this day.
I just remembered another quote...the oldest girl (age 9) once told me "The internet is a horrible place...people find you and can take pictures of your house!" I have no idea where or how she learned that, but I literally keeled over laughing.
When I was around 3 or 4 my older brother taught me that the word "butthole" is a fantastic insult. So anywhere I went, anyone who did even the slightest thing I didn't like, I'd scream at them and call them a butthole. I was also told that I would go around asking strangers if they had any Grey Poupon, like in the commercials.
Its some weekday night, I'm home from school, Dad just gome home from work. Mom is usually home by now, and dinner is almost ready, but for some reason she's not home yet. Dad asks if I know where Mom is. Now, about the next thing I said; understand that I had heard about it alot on TV, but never ever heard what it meant, at all. Just that it can happen on TV when Mom isn't home and Dad doesn't know where she is.
"I dunno. Maybe shes cheating with (her boss's name)"
Ya, I got smacked good.
I guess the person this was most devastatingest to was me, but even though I didn't know what I was saying and was goaded into it, I held a deep shame about this through most of the rest of elementary school/middle school until I got old enough to shrug it off and realize it was no big deal.
Anyhoo, it was Valentines Day and I was in the second grade, and I was always a little more naieve/sheltered than the other kids. Playing with a bunch of the other boys on the playground during recess, somehow rape came up (you wouldn't think the topic of rape would come up too often on an elementary school playground but hey). I didn't know what it was, and got the basic explanation that it's when you make someone have sex with you. Well I had a crush on a little girl in class named Amanda, and not even really knowing much about sex and certainly not understanding the darkness of this whole "rape" concept, I being a bit of a class clown decided to go for the laughs and declared to the guys that I was going to rape Amanda!
I had some kind of volleyball net and we were standing around joking on top of the fort like I would drop it on her if she passed, she never came around though and if she had I probably wouldn't even have called her attention to the joke, and she would have never known if things hadn't gone south....
Apparently we were feeling pretty rambunctious that day, me and the guys, because there was some whole fiasco I don't remember very well that ended in most of us cursing and spitting at some kid we didn't like, starting a chain of tattling. Back in class later, while the ringleader was getting a new one chewed by the teacher, I sat back thinking I was off scott-free, I hadn't participated much in the cursing/spitting. Unfortunately, to my horror, my friend decided it was time to deflect some of this rage from the teacher and throw me under the bus, and I hear "Well Robby said he was gonna rape Amanda!" come from his mouth.
I almost did get off scott-free too, cause the teacher just did a little double take and then chuckled and said "you kids don't even know what that means". The relief started to rush through my body, everything was ok right?
No, some other little girl who was some sort of nemesis to me decided it was her place to say in her loudest smuggest eager-to-see-me-in-trouble voice, "OOOOH YES WE DO!". For some reason this little girl's opinion was enough to make the teacher think this actually was serious business, and I then was forced to stand up in front of class and confirm that that's what I said, apologize to Amanda, and write a letter to my parents explaining what I said, all while sobbing. This letter was to be held in case I ever did anything else bad, so they could throw the double whammy down on my parents.
The letter probably went in the trash but until I left that school I had nightmares of it leaving the teacher's desk. Oh the shame.
This guy we knew went blind due to diabetes, and I was not informed. When I met him again I said "Long time no see!"
I felt like shit for a long time after that.
My mom hated HATED to sew, but cos she was so amazing, she would make us Halloween costumes every year. One year, she asked me what I wanted to be, and I told her, "Same as last year." When she asked why, I said, "So you don't have to sew and get angry"
When I was younger, my (adult) neighbour was showing me her newest pets: a pair of crabs.
Later when we were out at a restaurant, I told my parents "Marcie has crabs!" and I didn't understand why they wanted me to stop talking about it. I think I even said something along the lines of "What? She does have crabs, she showed them to me!"
My old supervisor had a son who was around 5 or 6. She routinely would inform me of things her son would do that were not PC. Possibly because I babysat him off and on and that some of these things might be my fault. In all honesty this kid was amazing and had a very profound sense of justice.
One gem was him and his friends were playing in the apt complex when one of the kids dogs peed on his shoes. Well doing what any self respecting male normally thinks of but doesn't normally act on. He chases the dog down and pees on it. The kid who owned the dog ratted him out to his mom who couldn't even fathom a punishment for such a thing. She asked me for advice and I was just all smiles the entire time because I could easily imagine the satisfaction felt by pissing on a dog who had done that to your stuff.
Ok, it was my unfortunate policy to forego adding anything that didn't actually involve a child saying anything "devastating" however funny, but that one was just too funny to pass up.
When I was about 4, I was watching TV with my family and a commercial for the Thighmaster came on. This must've been when they first started making/advertising the thing. Thinking about getting my mom a birthday present, I said, "We need to get one of those for mom. " Everybody laughed but I didn't understand why, I was just thinking ahead to her birthday.
I was five years old at the time. I must have done something terrible because my mom took my sister and me to a nearby highschool and kicked me out of the car and told me that she was going to leave me. She locked the car door and kept telling me to go away, she didn't want me. I was crying and begging to be let in the car, she refused and said, "the boogeyman's gonna get you" over and over again. apparently, i just blurted, "OKAY, BYE!!!" and started to run towards the nearby 7-11. She jumps out of the car and catches me. Upon asking me why i was running, i said, "i was thirsty, can you give me 5 bucks?"
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.