If you thought that police work was all about exciting paperwork and dangerous trips to the filing cabinet, you couldn't be more wrong. Every day, cops all over the world have to do routine tasks such as chasing drug dealers in Ferraris and jumping through the air firing two pistols at once. For the past few months, forum goon Citycop has been fielding questions from eager internet nerds who are worried if their leaked beta of Half Life 2 will land them in prison. Here's a selection of some of the funniest, interesting and brutally honest answers that the online lawman has given us.
I am between 25 and 30 years old. I've been on the force for about 10 months. I have my own district that covers 1/4 of the city and I work solo, without a ride-along or partner. I'm not going to tell you exactly where I live or work. People love to get cops fired to try to fill the empty void in their lives. I work in Arkansas in a town of between 30,000 and 50,000 people.
I've now been employed as a police officer for just over two years. I still work at the same department, I'm still on patrol. I work alone, without a partner, as does everyone else on patrol at my agency. I love my job, I like the people on my shift and for the most part I like the people on other shifts. We all spend a good amount of time smiling. Laughing at stupid people, policy, or the tools that we are given occurs every day and it makes for good conversation. The mood is generally positive even though administration and the city council do what they can to screw us whenever they get the chance. I attribute this to the fact that most of the people that work here are good honest people.
I have been on the force and on my shift long enough to win over the trust and confidence of the people I work with. In police work this is no easy feat, and it is the first major obstacle you will discover when you are hired. If you are new you are scrutinized, corrected, sometimes scolded, dismissed, and mistrusted pretty much on a regular basis. We talk about you behind your back. There are formal evaluations and procedures, but in all reality the future of your career is decided on the side of the road at 3 in the morning by car to car chit chat. During your FTO period you ride with many people. They offer some of their experience and hopefully you can gain enough knowledge to catch on. Everyone forms an opinion of you and it's discussed among the group. People tend to be agreeable so one person's opinion can sway another's, and that can turn into a snowball if left unchecked. This is part of the police culture and it's always been that way. Many people come and go, they don't make it into the fold. Everyone deserves a CHANCE but not everyone should be a police officer. Imagine that your in a situation that is about to go bad, who would you want to be there with you? Imagine thinking "Thank god Mike is here now" or on the opposite end of the spectrum, "Fuck Tom is here, he's going to screw this up and get someone hurt". Imagine that the difference could decide whether or not you're going to see your two kids ever again.
My opinions about police work and the law are just my own. Every officer is different. Every officer enforces the law differently. We were all brought up in a different situation leading us to have a specific view of the world and people. No two police encounters will ever be exactly the same. I don't know why that officer was a dick to you or why you got a ticket instead of a warning. We don't all share the same agenda, methods of operation, or life experiences. I can tell you what I think, but there is no way I can tell you what other officers think. Just because two officers have different methods doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong, they are just different. A good cop is a master at solving difficult situations. Every situation is different, and every cop is different. The answers I give are merely that, MY answers. Your mileage may vary and another cop is likely to have a different outlook.
The questions begin on the next page!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.