The folks at the Something Awful forums are no strangers to bad workplace experiences. Without me having to tell you, you've probably already guessed most of these experiences are based around the foul substances of pee pee and poo poo, and they are, but don't worry - some of them also have some really juicy violence. So when LadyAmbien asked "What's the worst thing you've ever witnessed in the workplace?" she got a lot of fucked up answers, and here are some of of the most publishable!
I had to call the cops on some fucked-up kook who was digging in the tree planters outside the building. He told me he was "looking for all the metal in the dirt", and I would've been more sympathetic because he was obviously not, uh, well but he was wearing a utilikilt and I saw his dick. Three squad cars came and took him away
When I was 17 and had just started working as a care assistant I saw a bandage removed from an old ladies leg which unleashed a torrent of foul smelling yellow and black goo, like melted cheese falling off a pizza. Her entire leg pretty much melted off before my eyes, right down to the bone. The four other staff (two of whom were actual nurses) all fled the room gagging/actually vomiting. I was stuck because I happened to be holding the leg up and couldn't just drop it onto the now very open wound. So much leg goo flooded out that it overflowed the bed, onto the floor...and into my shoes.
When I was right out of college I took a part time as a dispatcher for a bus company while looking for a real job. Sometimes I actually got to drive the buses around and pick up old and crazy people, which was fun because driving a bus is fun and I got paid way more than the actual bus drivers.
Anyway, I once had to pick up this dude, so I went to his door and he answered it. When he opened the door it was just a wave of literal shit smell. I looked inside and it was a hoarder's paradise. Just full of old disgusting, dirty garbage. He was in a wheelchair and made me push him onto the wheelchair lift and his wheelchair was sticky. Bad, stinky sticky.
For my most recent job one of my co-workers let an escaped mental patient into our building who had just stabbed someone. Thankfully our security stopped and detained him until the police could get there. When I worked retail though I had these homeless guys that I would always make coffee for in the winter and let them use our bathroom in exchange for them cleaning it up when they were done and would like give them our left overs from parties or pizza days or whatever. Well, one day in the winter one of them came in and told me that his friend was dead outside and to please call an ambulance. I went outside and saw one of them laying in the alley with a layer of undisturbed snow on him. I had one of my employees call 911 and went over to check on him. He didn't respond to me at all but once the paramedics got there they were like, "Come on Randy, get up, you got him." and he got up and thought it was just the funniest thing that I thought he was dead.
When I was in college I worked at McDonalds, and some kid had diarrhea in the ball pit, while it was full of other children. I came up to the front counter to see a bunch of angry parents standing in line with their shit-covered children.
I saw a dude running a lathe get a loop of cut titanium wrapped around his thumb and then caught on the spindle. It literally fileted his thumb like a fish. They ended up amputating it. Also saw another guy pinch his finger off on a little Haas 3 axis.
It was kind of sad, but mostly disgusting. Thankfully I only had that job for three months...
i worked in a place where every day some dude would just go into the men's room and piss everywhere, literally everywhere except in the urinal
I used to call him the piss wizard
never did find out who it was, would have liked to shake his hand assuming he washed it.
E: probably it was the janitor
Saw a guy get his hand ripped off in a forklift accident
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.