Utah Fetus Regulations
Last week, the progressive state of Utah's drive to punish any owner of two X chromosomes went down in flames when the outside world caught wind of their attempt to criminalize all miscarriages. But those wacky legislators haven't given up yet! We've been provided with exclusive access to their latest efforts at making residency in Utah even more of an unmitigated Hell than it was before.
Dear Governor Herbert,
It is with deep regret that we at The Utah Fetus Advisory Board write to you today. To be completely honest, we nearly washed our hands of you back in 2009 when your office refused to entertain our idea of changing the word "fetus" to "Future Mormon" in all science and medical textbooks sold in the great state of Utah. However, we realize that, rarely, miscarriages are often not the fault of some current or Original Sin; a pregnant woman could be standing downwind of a rock concert or perhaps a gathering where people are playing cards or dancing, causing her fetus to decide that life in the arms of Our Lord is preferable to 80 years of Hell on Earth. This is why some of our brightest scholars (including two men with PhDs in Bible Awareness) have assembled the following suggested amendments to the revised anti-abortion bill we sincerely hope you sign soon. After all, If you don't protect the unborn children of Utah, who will?
Amendments Hereby Proposed by the Utah Fetus Advisory Board
- Every ten months, each woman living in Utah will receive a questionnaire asking if she is pregnant. If she submits an answer of "no," said woman will receive a instructional video produced by the Duggar family titled "Pumpin' Em' Out: 20 Years of Perpetual Pregnancy." After five "no's" are consecutively submitted, said woman will receive a mandatory bus ticket to Nevada, heretofore known as Purgatory.
- All pregnant women in Utah will be required to undergo Color Swatch Skin Testing. Any and all women testing darker than "Porcelain Perfection" will be required to pay a $500 fine, and allow themselves to be implanted with a special microchip for the purposes of tracking and surveillance.
- For the sake of proper fetal nutrition, all women carrying a fetus must cook, serve, and eat at least one multi-layer casserole (heretofore known as God's Food) per week.
- Any pregnant woman receiving aid at the taxpayer's expense through any social welfare program must sign their fetus up for mandatory farm work in order to pay off said fetus' debt to society. Work will begin when the child reaches Utah's age of consent, 12. (Note: the children of women who pass the aforementioned Color Swatch Skin Test are exempt from aforementioned farm labor.)
- All fetuses will be required to be blessed at what we hope will soon become an official ceremony officiated by the surviving members of The Oak Ridge Boys.
- If mandatory sonogram testing deems a fetus "shifty," "shady," or "uppity," said fetus will be placed under the watch of Utah's already-established "I Don't Like the Looks of That One" program.
- Any fetus discovered to possess a significant birth defect (bifurcated skull, cloven feet, "Doherty Eyes," etc.) will be protected under the "All in God's Plan" clause of the anti-abortion bill (originally known as the "Everything Happens for a Reason" provision).
Also, in lieu of our previous goals of making any miscarriage illegal, we suggest that you prohibit the following activities for those carrying Future Mormons.
- Not super-sizing at Salt Burger, Utah's most famous chain restaurant.
- Participating in "Trouble," "Headache," or any other board game featuring The Devil's Pop-O-Matic Bubble.
- Reading a book not written by Thomas Kinkade, Stephanie Meyer, or God.
- Wearing any kind of below-torso garment deemed to have "legs," "pockets," or "a place to potentially hold dangerous feminist literature like The Bridges of Madison County."
- Fraternizing with homosexuals or "sensitive types." Our researchers have recently discovered that gay is a communicable disease, and the only cure -- getting dragged behind a pickup truck -- is not a cost-effective solution for taxpayers.
- Working, and making plans to continue a "career" not involving beer-getting and/or back-rubbing.
Again, we would like to stress that these proposed amendments are in the best interests of Utah's most valuable resource, our unborn children.
P.S. We urge you once again to reconsider keeping Utah's school lunch program. Those hungry little bastards are milking us taxpayers dry!
The Utah Fetus Advisory Board