This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
When the Oscars rapped up and the celebrities rushed to their parties for drinking and schmoozing, our dedicated celebrity spotters were there to look at them!
Saw the talented Mr. Goldblum staring endlessly at a bowl of fruit punch. When people would try to talk to him, he'd brush them off to stare at that fruit punch some more. I thought for sure he was going to have some, but no, he just kept looking at it. Great guy, love him in movies.
Saw the silver-haired newsman with his boytoy in line to get some lobster. They were both wearing matching bibs and had their own lobster crackers. 360 was practically shaking from anticipation, but his boyfriend was a lot more relaxed. Cute couple.
One word: SWOON. Saw the inexplicably, grotesquely handsome vampire thespian positively sparking as he scarfed down hors d'orderves. He was eating too fast I think, because he got all red and started burping loudly and then his momtourage rushed him out of the party.
Saw Iggy Pop of all people chatting it up with the stars. He's gotten even more ripped. You could cut a diamond on those meaty, gristly arms of his. I know I would have if I had a diamond on me at the time.
Looks like JoanqPhoen has cleaned himself up and ditched the hobo chic. He looked dashing as he yelled and scratched at the beautiful starlets, often pulling their hair. Glad to see he's mellowed out.
The Oscar winner was positively enraptured by a SkyMall catalog and spent the whole party ordering stuff from it. Was asking a ton of questions. Very thorough guy. Poor guy forgot to party!
The newly cemented biztech wizkid was making waves as he combined after partying with a new viral campaign/alternate reality game for Hot Pockets. I'm hooked, Ashton! I'm hooked!
OMG! I was mere seconds from landing a successful spot of Reese Witherspoon, but she jumped out of a 30 story window to avoid being seen. I'm still calling it in anyway. She's got guts for sure.
This little thug was stealing sugar packets from the beverage area. I tackled him and made him give them back, but he was none too happy about it. Hard to respect him as an actor after that funny business.
AJ-Lo looked scorching hot except for that weird pulsating rash on her arm that was oozing puss. She tried to play it off like it was a bug bite, but there was clearly something alive under there... and it wanted out.
The dashing Mad Men star looked positively riveted as he listened to Ed Asner tell a story about bunions. Hammbo looked concerned and said he would make some calls for Ed. What a class act!
Whoa! This dude's a menace. Saw him all crazy-eyed and screaming at a waiter that he was gonna cut his eyeballs out if he didn't get some fresh Alaskan salmon on the double. Later I saw him pee in a punch bowl before laughing himself to sleep in a hallway. Dude lives hard.
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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