The Page of Shame
I'll be honest, we've had better weeks. We had some great entries, but a good number of the pictures I combed through were painful at worst and unexciting as best. "Awful Businesses" proved to be a difficult theme, both in terms of idea generation and quality execution. That's why we now find ourselves here, on this last and final page of death and regret. Since it's the wrong thing to do, I will now belittle the submissions that I disliked the most. Examples must be set, and my nearly unquenchable bloodlust must be satisfied. to some extent
Why it Stinks: I can stomach the occasional Type R ricer joke, even after that dreadful incident where I swallowed a bunch shark eggs that hatched in my intestines. This, however, really isn't much of a joke. Sadly, there are stores like this, and while they are definitely a bad idea, they exist. If you're going to try to use a prefabricated gag for your image, at least do it right and make it a technical masterpiece. This isn't FARK where it's unpopular to be creative! With a name like Lay-Z, I expect more. I mean come on man, you took the time to spell your name in such a creative fashion, and you even pulled out all the stops and used a goddamn hyphen to tie it all together! You're obviously a pretty tough character with a name like that, but this image makes you seem like a total pussy. From the hideously boring technical standpoint, the text work isn't all that exciting, and really doesn't blend well. It's kind of okay on the side, but it seems very forced on the front. That car doesn't line up perspective wise, either. Yes, this does indeed mean the world is ending.
Crapometer Score: -4/-10 (Bland to the MAXXXXXX!)
Why it Stinks: Oh man, this sure is super fucking hilarious. Pictures like this seriously get my goat, because I can never tell if the author is actually retarded in the medical sense, or just retarded in the "I'm an asshole who likes to tackle people into piles of manure" sense. If it was the former, my natural feelings of genetic superiority would kick in and I wouldn't be so angry. But when it's the latter, well, it's just fun to think people are intentionally trying to lower the overall quality of Phriday and derail things for their own idiotic amusement. I guess in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter, because regardless of which kind of retarded r0xx0rb0y is, I still want to see him locked away from all forms of technology so that us Internet Citizens don't have to endure him. I'm just kidding, I hope he gets run over by an ice cream truck.
Crapometer Score: -6/-10 (DIE)
Why it Stinks: OOHHHH BOYYYY! Aptly named retarded_man has a real winner on his hands with this super Best Buy parody. His amazing font work is great as is, but he goes all the way to the bank and cashes the fucking million dollar check with that awesome blood. How did he do something so amazing? If you look carefully, he used the technique where you flail the airbrush tool around like a monkey with a colony of fire ants charging up its ass. Beyond that, this doesn't even really make any kind of sense. I think a different storefront source image would have worked a lot better. You know, maybe something where you could easily stick nooses and razors and other tools of death in the display windows? Here is a pro tip: if you can't make an idea look decent, then don't post the aborted and/or stillborn results. THANK YOU.
Crapometer Score: -7/-10 (Terrible on all levels)
Author: Dirty Pigeon
Why it Stinks: Again, I often times hate doing this here page of shame feature just because I know there are shit brained idiots who really do intentionally submit crap. Giving them attention encourages more people to submit crap, and then everything just goes to hell faster than a Paul Anderson film. Hopefully Dirty Pigeon isn't one of those people, not that that puts him in any better shape given the appalling terribleness of this picture. Even if you pumped a well fed cannibal's stomach, the contents would still look way better than this. The text is all sloppy like a fat man's bib and way too colorful for the background. The worst part (and believe me, it wasn't easy to pick a worst part) is that thoroughly offensive cut and paste job on Heston's poor senile head. It was bad enough once, but Dirty Pigeon felt that twice would be the charm. There are other problems as well, such as the fact this joke is so stupid. I know Charlton Heston isn't doing so well lately, but if he has enough energy to commit murder left in him, I think I know just who he should kill.
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (Outstanding - in the worst way possible!)
That's it! I'm through! See you suckers next week when we Photoshop recipes to include far too much salt!