February 12, 2013
Worried my dog might be a nerd
- Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 30, 2013
Tim Allen > Time Allen > Time Alien, guys holy shit guys
- your dad (@Dads_Secret) January 31, 2013
Who's super good at cursive? I wanna script 'The Road Puto' in big, swooping letters on my tailgate.
- beestfalin (@beefstalin) February 1, 2013
Taco trucks are weird. They're like "hey, what's up man, come eat some greasy Mexican food from the back of my van" and we're just like "OK"
- Matt Bedinger (@MattElGato) February 2, 2013
My nickname in high school was "Who"
- Nick (@NickBossRoss) February 2, 2013
I met a guy named AJ tonight who had a severe “I need to change my first name to two initials” vibe about him
- Andrew (@bn2b) February 7, 2013
Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.
- Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) February 7, 2013
"You have one long hair coming out of a mole on your face" perfect insult for someone with one long hair coming out of a mole on their face
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 7, 2013
"My carbon footprint is HUGE... so you know what THAT means." - Terrible pickup line to use on an environmentalist
- Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) February 8, 2013
*catches you on the flipside and cradles you like a fucken baby*
- rad milk (@rad_milk) February 9, 2013
When asked why I'm back at college I say "I've had 2 jobs where a man has looked me in the eye and said 'make this go viral' without irony."
- Sean (@NoChorus) February 9, 2013
please rip to my tiny wife, RatWife, who died sometime in the night after becoming stuck in our wall
- Cool Niceman (@dogboner) February 10, 2013
Save the tigers? Save yourself from standing in the street with a clipboard asshole.
- (@LIL_LEAF_SON) February 10, 2013
THE POPE RESIGNED TO FOCUS ON HIS QUIDDITCH. THATS RIGHT. THE GAME FROM HARRY POTTER. HE PLAYS IT.
- TOPICAL VOLDEMORT (@REALVOLDEMORT69) February 11, 2013
jim carrey is famous because he put his hands in his butt and pulled his butt cheeks apart
- Dings (Ő?Ő?) (@ItsDings) February 3, 2011
i bang the small gong that sits on my desk when i find an interesting article online
- GraeyDave (@graeyalien) December 19, 2012
"Do you have protection?" *i place my shiny charizard on the nightstand* "no one will be buggin us babe"
- BGD 69 (@big_gay_dildo69) January 26, 2013
I feel like shit and i hate myself <-- CAN ANYBODY RELATE TO THIS??? ANYBODY/??? ON THE INTERNET?????
- Jackson (@tree_bro) October 18, 2011
gave a cute boy a ride in my car & all these cans of corn i had in the trunk were rolling around. i was like "idk what that is" lol i knew
- Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) July 26, 2012
like literally this dude came to the door at 1 a.m. with a 6-pack and asked if blake was here. was he trying to fuck blake
- Zooey Davechappelle (@mauracakes) February 2, 2013
lets see if that Awful Groundhog can predict six weeks of Electro House blaring directly into its shity cage
- wint (@dril) February 2, 2011
*puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Pussy Look Like Fold Up Piece Of Ham
- Celebrity (@FamousCeleb) June 21, 2012
im at a mormon superbowl party & ppl are praying for the power outage
- AshleyArizona (@AshleyArizona) February 4, 2013
My walk of shame is stumbling back to my desk like a newborn foal after sitting on the toilet so long that my feet fall asleep.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 6, 2013
The Jenny McCarthy Show premieres tonight! You'll laugh so hard you'll forget to vaccinate your kids! They will be in huge danger!
- Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) February 8, 2013
Hey "spirit from another world" why do you need so many pockets on your pants?!?!?!
- caight-kampff (@Caittroll) February 9, 2013
Do the people in Tron eat ass and can they do it super fast
- Greg (@weedguy420boner) February 9, 2013
I went to piss
- Howie Mandel (@howiemandel) July 3, 2012
you know what, i'm not going to tweet at all today *dog drives by in a prius while smoking weed out of a tennis ball* *i begin to sweat*
- thrillbo (@trill_boson) January 19, 2013
#MyFavoriteText "hi deg its your mom. your weiner was bigger than your brothers when you were born i measured them"
- deg (@degg) March 9, 2012
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