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The Japanese Version Was Way Better

Saturday, February 10, 2007 Update by Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

Many games are released in Japan months ahead of other markets, and when these games finally arrive they have usually been changed in several ways beyond a simple translation. Anything can be cut, from the plot to cool features to entire levels. What have we been missing out on over the years? You might be surprised.

Super Mario World (SNES)

• Instead of blowing up ghost castles with dynamite, Mario destroys homeless shelters.
• Completely different ending. It turns out Yoshi was working with Bowser the whole time and Luigi was Mario's split personality.
• No jumping, running, or other horseplay.

Mortal Kombat (Genesis)

• Blood replaced with sperm.
• Twelve additional fighters, none of which had sprites or character portraits.
• Scorpion's fatality: Flicking his opponent's forehead lightly for six hours until he wears through the skull and reaches the brain.

Final Fantasy VII (PSX)

• Entirely different plot involving Cloud's wacky road trip to judge the world's most prestigious wet t-shirt contest.
• Battle music 800% louder.
• Uses a text-based parser instead of gamepad controls.

GoldenEye (Nintendo 64)

• Absolutely no mention of James Bond.
• Shooting enemies fills up your "Cucumber Meter". Fill it, and you get a cucumber.
• All guns replaced with the BFG.

Shenmue (Dreamcast)

• No sailors.
• Twice as many questions about sailors.
• Forklift driving integrated into the fighting engine, making battles much easier.

Grand Theft Auto III (PS2)

• Way more cursing.
• Prostitutes replaced with "girlfriend lap pillows".
• Driveable buildings.

Star Wars: Rogue Squadron (Gamecube)

• The battle of Hoth is entirely different. Just Luke and that yeti-like wampa rolling across the frozen tundra, tickling each other and giggling.
• All vehicles' controls are vastly improved thanks to an autopilot which you cannot disable.
• The Death Star is an actual star, the rebels are instantly incinerated during their surface bombing run.

Splinter Cell (Xbox)

• No shadows, the entire game takes place at daytime, and your face can shoot beams of unstoppable energy.
• Your name isn't Sam Fisher, but "Samuel Farnsworth - The Nameless Hero".
• Improved cocktail mixing physics.

Excite Truck (Wii)

• Different control scheme. Point the Wii remote at your truck to make it go forwards, twirl your entire body in a circle to turn, do a backflip to continue when prompted to "Press the A button".
• All trucks start off with stats completely maxed, but none have tires.
• Special unlockable track: a closed garage with no more than a three feet of clearance around your truck in all directions.

Gears Of War (Xbox 360)

• Teamwork is stressed a lot more in multiplayer matches. Each player has his shoelaces tied into the shoelaces of two other teammates.
• The final boss is much easier to defeat, only requires thirty attempts.
• Finding all the hidden tags in the game unlocks a very large dogtag that slows your movement in multiplayer matches by 30%.

Fight Night Round 3 (PS3)

• Punching your opponent yields coins, which are used to buy advertising in the arenas you fight in.
• Removed jabs and hooks, replacing them with two new levels of uppercuts.
• Sweat replaced with sperm.

Game: Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Submitted by: Hillbilly Pharoh

Battlestations: Midway

The more video games I play, the more I realize that World War 2 was one good time after another, and the more jealous I become of everyone who got to take part in it. 8/10

DMZ: North Korea

Strategy for dismantling North Korea's nuclear program: ship this game to everyone involved, along with a convenient noose. 1/10

Crashday

You will pray that the game itself crashes you to the desktop, instead of forcing you to endure another few moments of torture as you manually exit the game. 3/10

Sam & Max Episode 3: The Mole, The Mob And The Meatball

This is quickly becoming the video game equivalent of a Seinfeld season in which every episode starts off with the first fifteen minutes from the Soup Nazi. 7/10

Patriots: A Nation Under Fire

Somehow they crammed more poorly modeled terrorists into each level than the number of shitty games about terrorism EB Games has crammed into their discount bin. 1/10

Ar Tenelico: Melody Of Elemia

Part solid RPG, part dating sim, but mostly painful and neverending conversations that make you wish the entire game was in Japanese. 7/10

The Legend Of Heroes III: Song Of The Ocean

With a name like "The Legend Of Heroes", you know you're in for a joyride of imagination and originality not seen since classic games like "Driver Of Moving Racecar", "Gun Shooter" and "Knights Of The Castle". 4/10

Bubble Bobble Evolution

I think it's great that old franchises are being shoehorned into genres that don't suit them whatsoever instead of improving upon what made them great in the first place, it gives me hope for a Kid Icarus deer hunting simulator. 4/10

Fullmetal Alchemist: Dual Sympathy

A horrible mess that destroys the series' story and the psyche of anyone who plays the game, but they did shoehorn two words that begin with a D and an S in the title, so good job I guess! 2/10

Rafa Nadal Tennis

Using the touch screen controls to move around and hit the ball where you want is even more difficult than finding someone who has heard of Rafa Nadal. 4/10

Underground Pool

An accurate representation of pool, as experienced by an exquisitely drunk man with limited mobility and a deep-rooted sense of self loathing. 1/10

Diddy Kong Racing

A ten year old N64 game with awkwardly tacked-on touchscreen elements on the DS, who would have guessed? 4/10

- Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell