00:00 - I have just ingested 4 lbs. of chunky peanut butter. Over the next few hours I will document it's effects on my body and mind.
+00:01 - I feel like I need to poop.
+00:06 - I am starting to feel a mild euphoria. I'm getting a little dizzy. Watching some Charmed at the moment. Piper is such a bitch I hate her.
+00:18 - Burp. Now it's starting to really kick in. I find it hard to walk now. My gut feels like it's going to explode.
+00:32 - Woah. The walls are totally melting. I can taste not only peanuts, but the peanut's souls. I can see myself as if I were a peanut. There I am on the peanut tree. Oh no, I am being picked by a migrant farm worker. Oh mother tree save me. Noooooo!
+00:33 - Do peanuts grow on trees? I don't know.
+00:44 - I wish I had a beard like Wolf Blitzer.
+00:56 - This shit ain't stopping. I might have overdosed. Call 911.
+01:14 - I have left my body completely. I can see myself laying there with a spoon full of peanut butter and I am naked. My penis is so small. But I am so turned on. I want to masturbate while watching my own lifeless body. Oh peanuts what have you done to me?
+01:39 - I have discovered the meaning of life.
+01:42 - I have forgotten the meaning of life.
+02:34 - What if instead of hemoglobin it was hemogoblin haha shit
+02:51 - Phase 2 of peanut butter high is kicking in. I am a general in Mr. Peanut's army. Take me away Mr. Peanut. Make me one with God. Fight the evil opressors of the chosen race.
+03:21 - I am reading the update I wrote for valentine's day and it is really stupid!
+03:32 - Check out Mandy Patinkin in an all new Criminal Minds tonight on CBS. CBS IS GAY AND STUPID AND GAY THOUGH.
+03:44 - The truth about magic mushrooms and other drugs is that when you die all the good effects of all the drugs on earth are activated within your spirit without any bad because you dont have a physical body,so you live in a world of complete reality but fantasy type bliss, with no physical boundrys that never gets boring;
+03:49 - ONE DAY YOU WILL DIE AND SEE THAT I AM RIGHT.
+04:01 - fish don't wear pants. Pantsfish is a lie.
+04:22 - IF REBATES ARE SO FUCKING UNRELIABLE WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BUYING SHIT BECAUSE OF A REABTE FUCK YOUUUUUU
+04:55 - Vons Brand peanut butter is laced with COCAINE
+05:02 - djalsdjsalkdjslakdjaslkdas
+05:05 - I might be coming down now. No wait it might be a trick. Mr. Peanut is dishonest. Don't trust him.
+05:57 - Phew, I really am coming down now. I still feel a little nutty though. Hahaha I WROTE THIS WHOLE THING SO I CAN MAKE THAT ONE JOKE.
+06:01 - I have returned to baseline. What a trip. I just might have to do this again sometime.
+06:44 - I just took a dump. My poop had the consistancy of Play-Doh. The end.
I think those Dear Richard emails were funny. I haven't read any really insane ones in a while. I think those days are over. I deliberately did not mention any permabanned forum members by name because they are all fags.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!