Zack: You have been summoned to the Manor of Lirdrium Arkayz. He has hired you to travel to The Rock and bring its secret back to him in his Manor. Before you depart on your journey his agent, Jenlar Temlin, gives you a map and the following warning intended to help you along the way: "Golden dreams can quickly turn to nightmares filled with flames that burn. Dark clouds may not bring you light, but watch for silver linings bright. Strength is not as strength might look; remember falsely-covered books! Simple treasures won't grow old, and all that glitters is not gold."Zack: He also tells you that the secret of the The Rock is in two parts, visible and invisible.
Steve: Dean Snakehands nods sagely and immediately forgets everything this dude just said and starts thinking about where to get meat.
Zack: You're standing around outside a huge mansion thinking about meat. You are currently located in the upper right corner of the map where it says The Manor. You need to get all the way over to the left to The Rock.
Steve: Dean flips the map over because he prefers to travel from left to right. Can I have a magic weapon?
Zack: You can have a +1 weapon in case you have to fight any ghosts or ghostly puddings.Steve: Dean Snakehands readies his intelligent great axe +1 called the Decider, intelligence 9, and asks where they should go.
Zack: The Decider wants you to travel to The Rock.Steve: "Whatever you say goes, Decider!" bellows Dean Snakehands shaking the very timbers of reality and he starts walking in the direction of The Rock.
Zack: You travel for many hours down a peaceful woodland path. Birds are chirping and squirrels are playing in the trees.
Steve: "Damn their acorn scandals! Begone, branch rats, lest I unstopper my philter of miseries on thee!"
Zack: The squirrels are intimidated by your formidable elf muscles and flee to safer sectors. After many days of uneventful, pleasant travels you are soon confronted with a decision.
Steve: Fortunately I have an axe specifically for that.
Zack: Faced with a path that branches north, west, and south your axe decides to travel south, for it is the longest path and in its many years of experience as an axe the longest path is always the safest path.Steve: Dean agrees heartily with the axe and begins to sing of great heroes of the ice wolf pack including Fearsome Fang, who howled down the moon and bit the claws off an owl thrice his size.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.