Zack: The PA shrugs and takes you to a dressing room labeled Janet Jackson.
Steve: Does it have a star on the door?
Steve: "Where is my star? I demanded a star on the door!"
Zack: A tendril raises up from inside the tarp and paints an elder sign on the door in black ichor. The PA faints dead away.
Steve: Drag him into the dressing room.
Zack: Station squeezes through the door. You noticed when you came in that Bill Clinton's dressing room is just down the hall. Morton Downey and Bush's are in the other direction.
Steve: Alright, Station, stay here. If Janet Jackson shows up I guess eat her.
Zack: He pipes on his flute in the affirmative.
Steve: Kurt, E, and Left Eye are going to pay Morton Downey a visit.
Zack: When you get to the door you hear angry voices from inside. It sounds like Morton Downey Jr. is shouting about Saddam Hussein. "We'll use the human weapons to increase the radiation and hasten the rise. If this mad Arab seeks the fungi we will turn his cities into a radioactive wasteland."
Steve: Kicking in the door!
Zack: You burst into the dressing room. A pair of sexy bikini babes point Uzis at you. Morton Downey Jr. turns from the brass contraption he is using. On the mirror-like screen is a bizarre creature with a totally inhuman head on a long stalk.
Zack: "More assassins from the traditionalists? Give it up. You'll never stop me."
Steve: Oh, we'll stop him.
Zack: NEXT TIIIIIIIIME!
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.