Steve: You find a horse and ride off into the night. It is a long way to escape the steppe and this area is known to be thick with bandits. The kozaki, in particular, are a savage tribe.
Zack: More savage than a gunt?
Steve: Much more. Gunder is not very savage at all compared to the steppes, although what savagery lurks in a city might terrify the heartiest of steppe barbarian.
Zack: Yes the rain is going to come and wash away all the filth. Would you describe Nestor as "urban" if you were writing about his ethnic group?
Steve: He is a companion to Conan and a fighter of Gunder.
Zack: Yeah, but I'm just saying, you want to talk about the music he likes without bringing race into it. Would you say he likes "urban" music?
Steve: I feel like you're trying to trap me into something and then call me a racist, so I'm just going to continue with the story.
Steve: You are weary from riding, slouched in your saddle, when you spot the unmistakeable dust of riders approaching.
Zack: I sit up and ready myself for a heroic battle.
Steve: More than a dozen riders appear, galloping at you across the steppe. They are armed with spears and swords and bearing down on you.
Zack: 'Well met!" I holler.
Steve: No, not well met at all. These dudes are not friendly. You can tell by their savage demeanor they are probably kozaki bandits.
Zack: I will fight them.Steve: You swing your sword around and hurl insults at them, but they ride out of reach, seeming to taunt you.
Zack: Hey, wait a second, I didn't say I was insulting them. You just made that up. Just because I am in heated battle does not mean I can't be polite.
Steve: Fine. You weren't insulting them. You see that some of the men are readying lassos.
Zack: Can I deflect them with my sword?Steve: You try, but they pull your sword from your hands with a lasso. Soon they get a rope around your arm and neck and drag you from your saddle into the dust. They pull you behind their horses until you are bloody, then they tie you up and put you over the back of a horse.
Zack: "Not cool!" I shout. "All of my product is in that bag on the back of my horse. Be sure to bring it. If I don't condition at least twice a day my hair goes crazy in this climate."
Steve: "Shut up, prisoner," says one of the kozaki and he punches you.
Zack: "I'm going to remember your badge number," I say. I want to remember which of these jerks punched me.Steve: They all look very similar.
Zack: Hm, yes, and would you describe them as "urban?"
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.