Steve: You are asleep when you feel something kick your boot, waking you up.
Zack: Wait, if I am asleep how do I feel it kicking me?
Steve: Don't argue.Zack: I'm just saying, be consistent with your descriptions.
Steve: Something rouses you from your uncomfortable sleep. By the moonlight you see a woman standing before you. She is super fine. Like the finest of any woman in camp with a big rack peeking out from her fur cloak and jewelry bikini sort of outfit. You recognize her as one of the slavegirls hanging out around Constantius.
Zack: How lustrous is her hair? Does she look like she gets enough Vitamin-E, because if they haven't eaten all of my conditioner I have one that is probably pretty good for this dusty climate.
Steve: "Please," she says. "You are the only man here fit to ride. I need your help to escape. I must go."
Zack: "Tell me more about this 'escape' thing. I'm interested, but cautious."
Steve: She shakes her boobs around and says, "You know me as Costhiras. but that is not my name and I was not always a slave to Constantius. I am actually Amrastisi, beloved of the Khan, and I am being pursued by the Black Master, Bhir-Vedi. A terrible sorcerer." She strokes your nob area and flutters her lashes. "Please, help me flee this camp before I am discovered and I will repay you."
Zack: I lift her hand away from my "nob area" as you say and look at her angrily. "First of all Omarosa Costco, you don't even know me, so get your hands off my business. Second of all, escaping sounds great, but not if it means I'm going to get turned into a fart by some kind of magician. Third, you owe me like infinity rupees for all my product. There was a nose lotion in there made from Japanese foreskins. Are you going to straight up look in my eye and tell me you know where to get Japanese foreskin lotion?"
Steve: "Please, you are my only hope."
Zack: I let out like the biggest sigh ever. I even double sigh it to emphasize the first sigh. "Alllllllll right. Unchain me and I will help you escape."
Steve: "You are my hero!" she cries, putting her boobs all over you.
Zack: "All in a day's work for a Guntsman."
To be continued...
Mass Effect: Andromeda turns its nose up at the original trilogy's rigid morality. It boasts a more nuanced and intellectually compelling shades-of-grey approach in which a heart icon pops up when it's time to tell an alien to take their clothes off.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.