We have avoided the subject of F.A.T.A.L. (FATAL from here on out) since this column began. Every day someone emails one of us requesting we use it for WTF, D&D!? and every week we refuse. FATAL is a peerless, gargantuan, self-published, self-distributed beast written by obsessive savant Byron Hall. The rules, touted as "the most difficult" of any game available, cover every imaginable detail except how to have fun playing the game. Minor details. FATAL is infamous because it is a sadomasochistic violence and rape simulation. We're here today to explain why we will never review FATAL.
Steve: You promised this would never happen.
Zack: It's not happening. We're talking about why we're not reviewing FATAL.
Steve: It seems like we're talking about it.Zack: You're the one who kept complaining about the emails. We had to do something.
Steve: You don't feel this like me, bro. I love RPGs. They're pretty much the best thing in my life right now next to the teachings of the Buddha. FATAL ruins them.
Zack: I think I understand. All the self-righteous preachers and suicide moms in the 1980s made up all sorts of evil lies about Dungeons & Dragons to get it banned. Then along comes FATAL and all those lies are true about it.
Steve: Exactly! I firmly believe that with just enough heavy metal music FATAL will take my baby away.
Zack: Like one of those unwanted baby drop-off points?
Steve: Do they cut up the baby's wiener with an axe at one of those?
Zack: Everywhere but Oklahoma.
Steve: Let's just do this before I start thinking about throwing away my Ral Partha figurines.Zack: Counting down from 10, the reasons we will never review FATAL!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.