Zack: Say...is that a horse on the bottom of that lake?
Steve: Who would throw away a perfectly good horse? I had better dive in and rescue that horse.
Zack: That horse on the verrrry bottom of the lake. That green horse.
Steve: Hey, everybody, be right back. Gonna swim down to the bottom of the lake. Sweet horse I want to sit on down there.
Zack: You know these monsters don't actually do anything. No attacks. They just sit around on the bottom of a lake and wait for men to drown.
Steve: They charm people. What I wonder is how it decides whether it's going to be a horse or a pretty lady.
Zack: Yeah, you really don't want to be one of the guys charmed into diving after the horse. Even if you survive that's gonna raise a lot of questions around the campfire that night.
Steve: "So, uh, Steelwind, why did you keep trying to swim down to that big green horse?"
Zack: Poor Steelwind has to spend the next month swearing up and down that he saw a woman at the bottom of the lake and talking about how he loves women and getting disgusted by the sight of a horse.
Steve: Steelwind should know as a follower of Saint Cuthbert that we can never change who we are.
Zack: Unless the DM gets annoyed that our lawful good characters keep torturing kobolds to death.
Steve: Or you put on gauntlets of ogre strength.Zack: Or you get caught in that trap in Tomb of Horrors that turns you into a lady.
Steve: So pretty much, Steelwind, what was the deal with that horse?
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.