Zack: Why do I suddenly feel like a mermaid is in great peril.
Steve: I dunno, dude, but this thing is maybe the scariest monster since that thing that was making me sick because you kept talking about sleeves. Why does a giant, fat devil wear heavy makeup?
Zack: You're mad because it's putting in the effort? Sexist, Steve. Maybe it would look much worse without all the lipstick and rouge.
Steve: I sure hope this isn't one of those monsters they trick you into making sweet love to and then it turns into this.
Zack: Nobody actually tricks you into doing that.Steve: Yes, they totally do. They're like "appears as a fine ass lady with a huge rack and she's way ready to go at all times" and then it's like "when the hero touches her butt she turns into an evil skull ghost made out of bugs and puke and then has a baby of puke bugs and the hero has to live forever in unholy matrimony with that situation."
Zack: That was my point just a minute ago, but my point now is that nobody forces you to have sex in D&D. In fact, you should never have sex in D&D. Just as a rule. It's almost always a trap and it's generally creepy. If it's a bunch of guys playing it's really creepy and if there's one girl there then it's double as creepy.
Steve: Yes, yes, duh. Everyone knows the sex ratio has to be 50/50 and no girlfriends at the table only singles or else the erotic gaming goes downhill fast.
Zack: That's not my point at all.Steve: No, I get it, let's just move on, Professor Freud. Save your lectures for the classroom.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.