Zack: Meanwhile in the kitchen, Wolverine is just putting some tomatoes on sandwiches he is making for everyone when the window EXPLODES and throws glass and plates everywhere. A guy in a green suit with machinery all over him jumps in through the window. "Wolverine, you shitter! Prepare to pay the price!"
Steve: Does Wolverine recognize this guy?
Zack: Barely. He's The Fixer, a gadget-obsessed super villain who the X-Men have dealt with a little before. He throws a bomb at Wolverine and it EXPLODES and fills the room with green gas.
Steve: Wolverine cries out a battlecry to the gods of the northern lands and he pops out his claws and leaps across the kitchen and attempts to brutally maim the Fixer's face and chest area.
Zack: The Fixer shoots at Wolverine with some darts that hit him in the chest but then Wolverine brutally maims his face, cutting off his nose. Blood is everywhere and the Fixer is screaming in pain and searching for his nose. Wolverine starts to feel tired.
Steve: "Let me help you with that I have a nose for these things" Wolverine says and stomps on his cut off nose. "Oops my bad, here allow me" he says and picks it up and puts it on one of the sandwiches he was making. "Mmm smells delicious." He shoves the sandwich in The Fixer's mouth. "Enjoy your last meal." Then he chops off the Fixer's head with his claws and blasts his head back out the window with a power kick.
Zack: Wolverine manages to step on the Fixer's nose and then the massive doses of knockout gas and knockout dart poison have their intended effect and knock Wolverine out. Fortunately for everyone.
Steve: Alright well when Colossus gets up here he is going to twist off the Fixer's head and throw it out the window with all his super strength.
Zack: The X-Men aren't evil, Steve. They don't decapitate and mutilate an unconscious enemy.
Steve: Yeah, okay, fine dude. Toot, toot! Railroad me through this sucker.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.