Steve: Hmmmmmmmmmm, He uses a "prisoner's ball-and-chain" as a weapon. I wonder why they stopped using huge metal balls attached to chains in real prisons.
Zack: Too many inmates got stuck in closing doors.
Steve: Damage to stairways.
Zack: Someone might end up pregnant with a cannonball.
Steve: Prisoners don't need giant metal balls and chains for weapons. I saw this show called Lock Up where this guy somehow made a knife in his toilet.
Zack: Yeah, happens to me whenever I hork down the nachos. If you don't chew tortilla chips enough about eight hours later they feel like ninja stars getting blasted out of a shotgun.
Steve: My point is if they were worried about them using ball-and-chains as weapons they shouldn't have bothered banning them if dudes can make knives out of a toilet.
Zack: It's a slippery slope. First they take the punitive morning stars, then they take the toilet knives, and then before you know it we aren't allowed to bring our scoped AR-15s to the Obama rally anymore like is in the Constitution.
Steve: Did I say yet that this guy looks like a cross between a snake and a penis?
Zack: I think I remember that Punnet square from biology class. Cross the Midnight Oil lead singer with a pair of snakeskin pants and three out of four times you end up with Absorbing Man, the super villain best-equipped to deal with large spills.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.